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its no suprise that i miss my best friend in the whole wide world and my australian lover. its been awhile since weve seen each other and i dont kno when well see each other next. it makes me sad not seeing her everyday hanging out watching tv or just sitting. especially sitting in social studies where we first met. that was a good year. i really wish i hadnt moved but i kno there was really no way around it at all. i wanna go back after christmas like i did last year but i cant b/c im in a stupid wheel chair and will be for awhile. at least 6 more weeks. thats what happens when you have surgery right?! nobody really cares that i miss my friends back in ky. noone here and i cant really talk to my friends in ky about it b/c they already kno and we always cry when we talk about it. nobody here cares b/c they cant really or dont really measure up to my australian lover or my love. but i guess thats my fault. idk. sry i just needed to ramble for a minute.

last night we had our first instrumental rehearsal since school got out and we had 74 people there. it went pretty considering how it was last year.you kno i really think sometimes that relationships high school ones in particular dont last i mean you hope they do but lets face it most of them dont at all.so i kno going to a relationship that it wont last and yes ill get hurt but it always happens.i think that if you say youll call then you should, i hate it when guys says they will but wont or dont in their vocabulary thats the same thing almost. i get butterflies the biggest butterflies ever. when i talk to him, when i see him, when i even think about him and not even trying to i do. a long time ago i realized that i really didnt need a boyfriend and if i thought i did that meant i really wasnt ready to date and im pretty much past that. every girl wants a boyfriend i guess but i dont need one sometimes their fun but not essential to life. alot of people say that im a heartbreaker i think they only say that b/c ive had alot of boyfriends over the years and have only been dumped by the guy once and that was recently and totally not my fault. so.....am i a heartbreaker........idk......i guess ill find out eventually.....see with me i fall so easily for a guy and get really afraid that im gonna make a stupid mistake so i get out of it before it gets to a really serious point i dont always do it but i have done it. usually ill like a guy so0o much he wont realize it b/c i dont let the guy kno it all at once b/c then ill get really hurt and then hell keep coming back for more b/c i have lots more secrets he doesnt kno that i can pour out thoughout the relationship. its kinda like my dating strategy to be mysterious and not let a guy kno all at once b/c if i do he might not come back 1. b/c he has nothing else to learn 2.cause hes stupid 3.b/c u didnt make him work for it. alot of things that i do in relationships is b/c i dont wanna be just another girl b/c really whats the fun in that. there isnt any. there is no fun with everyone thinking your a slut/whore/easy. im not any of those. sometimes i play hard to get but only to see if the guy will stick around before i fall so hard for him which i end up doing way to0o fast anyways i just cant help it.my vow of purity says alot of things to me. its a promise to God, my parents,myself and my future husband. i didnt wanna be like all the other girls i wanted to be THE girl and taking a vow of purity really helps me in the way of only being THE girl. you kno some people dont kno or wouldnt think that i took a vow of purity why you ask?!i have no idea at all!you kno that was i think the biggest promise or at least one of the biggest promises ive ever made. it makes me different from all the other just another girls and i love it actually. being different is my thing for some reason and i love being me. im not always the real me b/c of certain reasons but i try to be the best me i can be. that totally didnt make sense but oh well. you kno another reason for taking the vow of purity was all my friends were having sex and my boyfriend was with my best friend which was so0o nice of them dont you think and i didnt wanna be you kno just another girl b/c after that i realized 1.that he was a total whore! 2. that he wasnt work the heartache. 3.that i deserved better. so people dont have happy endings the people their "in love" with doesnt usually happen to be really love but people have sex and do stupid things thats just the way it is.

my life is always always always a rollercoaster and i love it but lately ive come to meet obstacles that i have never had to deal and im really stuggling with this guy that i like so much and hes younger than and i just dont DONT do younger than i dont know why i just DONT. but i cant help but like this guy its so annoying but hes so0o perfect for me anyways.i cant help but think you know hes younger u shouldnt date him but i want to date him so badly and all my friends are telling me to i just dont know what to do at all and im praying about it but im not getting anything back. maybe i need advice from ppl i dont know . ive tlaked to my family and friends and they think its ok but i dont know

ok i so0o have a new crush! yeah im not going to say who of course that would be weird for me not you and yeah. ive known him for along time but i just recently got to really know him and hes really cool and i love hanging out with him. right now im at school this morning the power went out and i was hoping that we wouldnt have school cause i really wanted to sleep but that didnt happen did it cause im at school writing this. i cant believe i have crush b/c ive been hurt in so many relationships that i hate being in the but i really feel different about this one maybe its the guy maybe its how much ive changed b/c of those other relationships that meant so much whatever it is i totally like it i mean i just said like and totally together and thats just not me at all. my ex and i are on good terms i think and i really loved him and could have spent the rest of my life with him. maybe but ive learned to think that some relationships just dont last especially when your 16.

right now im at school. fun fun fun!! im in B.T.E. which is a computer class and its rather boring i think cause i already know most of this stuff but its required. later this month im going to Ky where i used to live to go camping and to do vbs at my old church im a tour guide for the 1st and 2nd graders. i cant wait to do that i like the smileys!