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I'm sick...having heart issues...or atleast they think it's heart issues...Anyway, I've spent a lot of Christmas break having tests run, nothing's come up yet and I feel miserable...reallllly miserable...like I could puke up the entirety of my organ system...I have a terrible pressure in my chest, like if I move my heart will explode...I spent New Year's eve in the ER because my heart rate was at 170 and I'd just been sitting in a chair...I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't sleep...my mind is racing 100 miles a minute and I wish someone would just shut it off and I won't allow myself to find comfort in God for various strange reasons...mostly, I'm suddenly afraid of death...

Will you all please pray for me? 

What?  I finally have a day away from life?
And yet I still find myself submersed in life, but on the harsher side of things.  It seems like if you stay busy, problems that come up can just be pushed aside.  But once the world stops, you step off into the mess you've left behind.  You finally realize that no matter what you've accomplished in the world's eyes, you've only dug a deeper hole behind closed doors.  Sometimes it would be easier to just bury yourself in the hole, to give up and let go.  Hopefully, we would have the will power to climb out and face it.  But somehow I feel it's impossible to face when you're alone, which unfortunately, I am.  You can only sustain friends if you have time for them, and no matter how much I'd like to, I don't.  So here I am, alone in the dark on a cold, rainy saturday, just trying to feel the wind blowing through the window to know that I'm alive.  Just trying to stay alive.  Sometimes I wish God were still corporeal, so I could just reach out and touch him and be ok, or maybe I'd be blessed enough to be held in his comforting arms.  Yes, in other circumstances, it is plenty to feel His Holy Ghost running through me, comforting me.  But sometimes, you just need something concrete.  Unfortunately, there is no concrete alternative to the Lord and I don't intend to pretend there is.  I just intend to cry in his lap, as if he were here, and pray he hears just as well.

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
Nothing else will do, I've gotta have you

Do you believe that God would punish one of His children for not using their talents to spread His word? Like in my case, He blessed me with musical abilities. Unfortunately, there are a lot of factors that hold me back from using those for His purposes, time being the biggest in that I have no time. Now it is pretty much common knowledge that most people flock towards musicians that are put in the spotlight, even if they're not very good musicians. The guy that currently does a lot of the worship music at my church is an amazing musician, but before he started singing for us, no one even knew who he was. Now he is obviously one of the most widely known people in the church. So I automatically assume that if I were to put myself in that position, I would be in the same situation as him. Well thought of, widely known with lots of friends. But as I am not in his position, I find that more and more, the few friends I have are turning away from me, and I'm not even sure I have done anything to deserve it. So this makes me wonder, would God punish me because I haven't put my neck on the line for Him? Because I haven't used the talents He gave me for His purposes? I don't know...do you?

It's interesting what one can do with craypas and an amazing song playing in the background. Sumiregusa is in Japanese (Oh Enya is amazing). There is a translation of the song, but I never read it because English makes it too simplistic. English prohibits the mind from wandering, and I like to create my own stories. This song, however, makes me pensive. It's so...wistful...like I'm being carried away. I like to envision Heaven and this friend that is waiting there. This song adds light to her face and life to her eyes. The more she smiles, the more my fingers turn yellow with the pastels that are bringing the song to life. If it could only bring the other, I would be happy. But for now, there is a lovely butterfly on a sheet of paper, dragging a trail of light and love wherever it goes, deeper and deeper into the darkness. I want to delve in with it. I want to dig deeper and be a light to those who are so far in the depths of the black corners, they don't realize Heaven really is at the other end of that sheet, in a song and in reality. I would like to think I could be for someone what this beautiful butterfly was and is for me. If you should ever get the chance, listen to this song. It touches me to no end, more and more so everyday. Have a good week everybody.

Have you ever noticed what a fine line it is between when you should be open-minded and caring toward certain people and when you should just tell them like it is? I think of the time when Jesus went through the temple and destroyed just about everything because they were doing all those ugly secular things...how did He decide it was time for that step? Why, instead, did He not just go in there with the whole attitude of "I still love you, no matter what you do, but you should stop." I come to these situations all the time, where someone around me might be claiming to be a Christian but is really drinking, doing drugs, being promiscuous, etc...or they're not a Christian at all and enjoy telling me how stupid I am for being one...I've even had someone try to get me to convert to Buddhism for reasons even I don't want to repeat. I had been open-minded with the last one for a LONG time, having regular discussions, trying to explain my faith to them and why Jesus is so good! They never once acted like they were interested in knowing, but more interested in disproving anything I say. I hung on for a year, hoping I could stir up some curiosity in their heart but finally, as nicely as I could, told them I was finished, but if they ever wanted to be serious about finding Jesus, to find me again. I got some very mixed reactions to my course of action and I wonder why. I know the bible says that if you share the gospel with people and they refuse to accept it or you, you should kick the dust off your feet in protest to them and leave them. But there's only so much I could do and it's such a fine line between when to stay open-minded, for fear that you could push them away from God, and when to just say no more. When is the right time to inform someone of the sins that they are committing, and how they could be freed of them if they'd find this man? I wonder if anyone has some advice they could give on this topic. Share any experiences, anything of the like. I would love to be wiser when this kind of situation rolls around, I would love to understand what Jesus was thinking at that instance when all the while he taught love and patience for those who are lost. I would love to be able to help people but obviously I am not qualified.

Watching the last minutes of sunset can be so strange. Everything is getting so dim and your eyes are adjusting to the leaving sun, ears are adjusting to the crickets (or in my case, a bullfrog below me in the pond). The fans on the cieling of my porch are blowing a breeze through my hair...or maybe that's the wind. Maybe the bullfrog isn't really there, maybe I'm just creating him...well no, that was God. Ahh yes, the wonders he works in a sunset, or in the clouds that are still passing by, even in the sun's absence...or just in the blue sky, whether midnight or noon. Why is the sky blue? Yeah, sure, there are all these atmospheric gases refracting the sun's light a certain way. But what makes them click that way, mesh so well? Maybe it's because God just decided He liked the color blue. Maybe He said I'm going to make this gas combine with this gas to create this brilliant color, and there they will abide in the sky. Scientists can spend all their time proving the ways of the world with all their theories, methods, and experiments. Sure they usually make sense, sure they are very plausible and usually correct explanations in the eyes of the common man, but we should delve deeper and ask what is BEHIND those methods? WHY are these theories correct in their explanations? WHY do these proven processes work the way they do? Behind every good man there is a great woman . Without her support, would he really be so great? Without a second mind working with him, would he really be so wise? (and yes it could just as easily go the other way! haha) Behind the moon's light, there is the sun. Without the sun, the moon could not glow at night, it has no self-supportive gases to create that special combination (like God did in the sky, and in the sun!). Without God, the sun would never show! It was not simply there, these gases did not simply find each other and combine, nor did they create themselves. God put them there and said "Work this way!". God CREATES the methods, He is the ways and the means! Without His power, His vision, His omnipotence, none of these things would come to play because no life would ever come to BE... Thus, He is ultimately the reason for ME! So what better to do than to take the life He has so generously given me and live it for Him?! Ahhhh I do believe I think too much haha

"Where words fail, music speaks." I wonder why that is... I can write a journal entry, but I always extract lines from it and turn it into a song. For some reason, adding a melody makes it speak louder, travel further. I can write poetry but it always turns into lyrics. Something about adding accompaniment to it gives it more meaning, more sentimentality. Listening to music always breaks my heart, for better or worse (depends on the mood!). Playing music mends my heart, and eases my mind. Other than the love of God, this is the best natural high in life. So in the cheesiest sense of the commercials, music is my antidrug. It just takes me to a different world, and I can be free from the judgements, trials, and expectations of the world that the Lord has promised would exist. So in my world, Jesus was the greatest gift! But music runs a close second.

- Happy moments, praise God. - Difficult moments, seek God. - Quiet moments, worship God. - Painful moments, trust God. - Every moment, thank God. Sometimes it is so hard to focus and keep these things in mind. And it isn't so much in the bad times. Really, it is when I'm going through the rough patches in life that I find God with greater ease. It is when life is going just swimmingly that I tend to lose Him. I've never really understood that, I feel like I am completely backwards compared to most people; not only in this, but many other things as well. But as of late I've really started taking the last one to heart. "Every moment, thank God." Every chance I've gotten, I've been in prayer thanking Him, for good times, great friends, beautiful days and even the air I breathe. For every day that I wake up healthy and happy, or even sick and sad, I thank Him. And thus far, it has made all the difference. For the first time in a long time, I have no doubt that He is living and moving in me.