Viewing 1 - 9 out of 15 Blogs.

Page:  1 | 2 | Next >  Last >>

I know I haven't REALLY written in a million years, but there's NO TIME for pleasantries!!!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!!! My co-worker Carmen has been asking me all these questions about God and I've been telling her straight up and she is totally WIDE OPEN and is longing for Christ. She can see that something is missing in her life and that I have something. You should've seen the look in her eyes when I told her she was right, we can't please God, but Jesus will come and live in us and by His power we CAN please God. Her eyes got wide, like I'd just revealed to her the secrets of life.  She just called and was asking about it AGAIN and wants to get together and talk about it. Pray that it'd be clear to her that it isn't just one of many things, but that it is the ONLY way. She lies to her husband about work, (she loves shopping, and lies that she's working to go and shop) and knows it's wrong. She also saw her daughter change though, when her daughter joined the marines. Speaking of the marines, I want to write Noah so bad- some people don't seem to have a lot of faith in Noah. Like, Noah was stoked and someone just called it an upswing. That made me sad. I might just have to write Noah.  Oh, and Carmen has ASKED for prayer.  I am in total disbelief and am so excited. WOO! Needless to say, PLEASE PRAY FOR CARMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, my birthday is coming up. November 4th I'll be turning 18.

 LOVE Y'ALL!

 

 

Man alive... what a week this has been! Praise the Lord I'm finally not sad! I'm in a totally dopy... happy mood. Yep... that's me. *grin* I'm terrible... I know. Okay... basically I kept comparing my walk with the Lord to Adam's walk... and it was like, GAH! I was sooooo sad... also, just knowing that he's leaving soon is so hard. *is sad* I mean, yeah, he already lives on the coast, so I rarely see him, but DUDE... he's going to be in Hawaii on the 31st, and he doesn't want to take too much time trying to keep up with people back home, but he said I can write him if I want. *exhales* I'm praying that Bob, Alex (Alexandria) and I can visit Coos Bay during the last weekend of this month... that'd rock, but I'm also aware that my reason for going is totally clouded by my emotions. I want to see Adam. *is a dork* Yep... ANYWAYS... Last weekend was AWESOME, this weekend I'm working. *gag* Last weekend I had so much freedom from past emotions and SIN in my life and heart, like, "If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I had total peace and deliverance and still do. Sadly, I ignored the end part of that verse, about being made righteous. God had to take quite a bit of time this week before I started to understand that I'm righteous by HIM. This week I've been very blue, but today, after thinking about Jesus and praising God, I'm in a terribly happy, sappy, romantic, childish, delightful mood. *happy sigh* God is good... I'm really happy. It's a good feeling too.

Whenever you are near, I have this fear, Wish that it was not true, And it's only here when I'm near you. I'm so afraid that when you're near me, It'll be crystal clear and you'll see, That you've no reason to be my friend, Nothing to gain, and it'd come to an end. See, Christ said He would never forsake me, But you, could be a different story. So hold me close, 'cause it's true, Then it seems like it don't matter to you, Like my past good and gone, Forget the night- let's watch the dawn. You mine and I your best friend, Take my hand and tell me it won't end. That the looming distance won't destroy, Our friendship, life, love and joy.

Well, I'm very glad for the two lil' encouraging comments on my last blog. I'm going to kinda spill once more here, because none of the people i know in real life read this... it's safe-ish. You know, yesterday morning I was thinking about some stuff, about things I'd done with guys that I regretted. It was like this peircing voice in my heart, saying, "Mary, if you dwell on these things, don't you know that what you think will eventually show itself in the way you live your life." Like, do I enjoy these things? You know? I loved the way it all made me "feel" at the moment, but the huge weight of guilt afterward is so obviously there- bondage that I just, HATE. This thought that came to my heart, that by thinking about what had happened I would allow it to happen again. You know? Well, I THOUGHT that i took the warning to heart. Maybe I didn't. Last night I was resting my pretty little head on the shoulder of a guy I still barely know. We'd spent ALL day together just hanging and having a blast. He's not handsome or cute or anything, but he isn't ugly. He's sweet and funny... also, he's saved himself for his future wife, more than i've saved myself for my future husband. What sucks is I could tell that by the way he was acting and stuff, that he probably hadn't ever let a girl lean on him like that. I know that I was leading him astray. I should've known better. This time I cannot deny it. He's only a year older, and he's only had two girlfriends and neither of them were his gf for longer than a week. He regretted telling the first one he loved her, even though he was only 12. I told Will I loved him when I was 15, more than once, on more than one occasion. You know? So... I feel like a creep. Also... he doesn't live in my home town, but he's going to be here until the 20th or something, and for some strange reason *groan* he wants to hang out again. I'm pretty sure that he likes me, and I think that I didn't leave any doubt in his mind that I like him, which I DON'T! Or not hardly as much as... *holds stupid tears back* as Adam. I could NOT stop thinking of him while I was nuzzling Raz gently with my pretty little head. This sick feeling in my stomach, like, what the hell am I doing? How are you going to fix this one Mary? Golly... I don't even know. Someone is going to end up getting hurt. Heh, someone already is... ME. Damn, selfish, foolish me. I was nearly sobbing last night while brushing my teeth. (It's hard to sob and brush your teeth at the same time, so I tried to not sob.) Like, both of the girls he was with broke up with him within a few days. Can you imagine? Ugh... what was I doing? Who was I to act like that? It's my fault. What am I going to do now? You know what's silly and sad? I can only run to Jesus. There's this huge sense of guilt that won't leave. Because I KNEW BETTER. I'd done that sort of thing before, with other guys. It felt, almost normal. The rush and comfort of the moment and the murdering pain in my heart afterward. I don't want to tell anyone. Only Sarah knows, 'cause she was sitting next to me. She's only 13, she's my little sister's friend, and her older siblings have all done worse sadly. Sooo... she said she wouldn't tell anyone, I didn't ask her to. I told her she can tell her mom... but yeah. Nobody else knows, 'cept Raz and whoever he told. We have to finish painting the room today, and move EVERYTHING back in. I have to leave for work at 2. Won't be back 'til 7-8pm, sometime like that. Then Daniel and I are leaving tomorrow to take Brittany back to Chehalis. I pray that I won't tell Daniel. He'll come down so hard on me. Everyone will... that's why I've kept my mouth shut. All week the girls have been teasing me about what flirt and abnoxious twit i am. They both think I'm soooo terrible. Ugh... there's so much going on in my mind right now. I want to do what's right, but I don't want to hurt anyone. Has the damage already been done Jesus? Is there any way to amend this without hurting other people? Oh Lord hear, O Lord hearken and forgive. Against You, and You alone I have sinned, and caused your son to wander astray. Have mercy upon me. I love You.

Wow. Have you ever had this deep feeling in the the pit of your stomach, that tells you that you've gone wrong long before today? I was reading Rebecca St. James book, "Wait for Me." It was like a punch in the stomach. All of these things that I know in my head beginning to register in my heart. Sex outside of marriage isn't just wrong, it is destructive. Not only that... but... things like it. Lust. Allowing yourself to wallow in lust. I have allowed myself that, more times than I'd like to admit to. Not just with dreams or thoughts, but with guys. Going just far enough to not be doing anything "wrong". So why do I know that I, ME, MYSELF, I did something wrong. I went astray. I disobeyed God. That feeling of being alone after trying to be close... ugh. You know? What's strange, is all the guys that i've you know, pushed my line with, gone a little further... just little things... i can't explain it. I've never kissed a guy, but letting them just be really close to me, holding me to his side and you know. I don't think THAT matters, what matters is that I know that I disobeyed God and I blamed the guys for it. I'm the poor innocent victim, but in reality, I'm not. I had a choice in many situations. Just sitting next to certain guys is dumb, because it's like, doi, we like each other, let's sit next to each other in the very back row. Yeah, I couldn't have helped that at all. *rolls eyes* Okay, I think you all get what I'm trying to say. Now comes the second half. The part where Jesus says, "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you." Jesus isn't going to send someone to comfort me, HE HIMSELF will come and comfort me. I've been trying to hide, to isolate myself in my lonely "pride hole". Of course, that's not very smart. I saw the Jedi yesterday... he's the only guy I've ever asked out... and it wasn't even really a date. STILL! Ugh... I know that I need to make the right decision now, God has given me the grace to do what is right, I just have to walk in HIS Spirit and abide in HIS love. Nothing is too hard for Him. I'm going to just keep looking towards Him. I'll bid this world goodbye and look to Jesus, and let this world fade away.

Hey, yeah. My bestest friend Kiya just informed me that Britton is her best friend. I'm still "the best friend" but... he's like... you know... erg. i feel lost and disappointed. i know i'm still her best friend, but she talks to him so much you'd think they were an item. *sighs* but of course they're "just friends". *grumps* i don't even know what to do. she always talks about how she doesn't know what to do and she doesn't "like" him. erg. i just... just... know that britton is becoming closer to her than i am. how do i even handle that? when he heard about her mom having MS before i did, that's when i knew SOMETHING was about to change. Here it is. :helpsmilie: *sighs* Today I worked at Orange Julius by myself for the first time, and I really loved it. It was scary, but my dad prayed with me before i went to work and that took the edge off for sure. I'm in the weirdest funk EVER. :natio: yeah... WEIRD. i'm like, i want to be madly in love with some wonderful man, but i keep having to remember to turn to Jesus. Also... I get SOOOOOO angry! :mad: I hate it. ANYWAYS! When I realize my place and confess my fault, and just... yeah... move on! Then I was able to sing some. I love singing to Jesus, but i get nerved at work when i'm singing. like... i don't wanna scare customers. LOL! Okay... yeah. It's almost dinner time. I've been ignoring my big blog. Isn't that sad? People go there EVERY DAY. I haven't been there in over a week! Yeah... WEIRD. Love y'all... sorry i'm not in a better mood... but I know that God is faithful even when i'm a grump.

my mind is a total blur. my best friend Kiya, she let me borrow this book. it's about a girl who was raped. she'd told me the story-line a few times, and i'd even read a report Kiya had written on the book. today i started to read the actual book. it brought back a wave of feelings and thoughts that i'd blocked out. i didn't even know they were still there. i wasn't raped. but so many of the feelings the author described, were exactly what i'd felt after... *feels sick* i don't know what to call it. the fact that i know his name, Nathan Smiley. Remember his face. Blue-eyed, good-looking, tall, blonde, slendar but muscular. Everything. I have a mental picture that i've yet to burn away. i wasn't raped. i had no reason to feel so afraid. but i did. just one afternoon. but something did happen... something. i was in spokane. a state away. my uncle eric has two crazy but wonderful kids, bethany and kevin. i was there to babysit them while he worked. one weekend there were gone for a camp, and eric took the opportunity to work extra hours. i was left alone in the run-down apt. complex. eric was the manager of the apt. and people would come there all the time asking questions and paying bills. i'd answer the door and strike up conversation at every opportunity. i love people. i hate being alone. one day, a tall blonde, really handsome guy knocked on the door. he was deaf. i let him inside. i'd taken three years of sign language when i was younger. he was so nice. we chit-chatted. i told him i was 16 and he told me that he was 22. i'd guessed it when he asked. he then told me that he wanted to see the apt. next to his, that he wanted to rent it. he told me he thought it was open. so i said that i'd show it to him. you have no idea how many times i've kicked myself for it.i have a million excuses. like, i'd been nearly completely alone for nearly two-months, and completely alone for the past two days, and was just dying to be around people again. he seemed so nice. i'd told him that i'd been praying for God to send someone to comfort me, right before he came. which is true. *feels sick* basically nathan wanted to show me his apt. then he asked if i wanted to watch a movie. *trying not to cry* Damn... i haven't thought about this in so long. nathan started to act a little different. his breathing changed, it quickened every so slightly. he showed me his snow board. his weight set. then he let me try on his leather coat. then he asked again if i wanted to watch a movie. i looked at the time. it was only 6 o'clock, my uncle wouldn't be back for so long. thinking of facing that lonely apt. room again seemed so terrible. why didn't i know better... did i know better? he gave me this akward half hug when we were picking out the movie. he'd done the same thing when he told me about his mom's death earlier, while we were sitting on the couch. we communicated through this little text thing. it was about the size of a cell phone, and worked like a keyboard. he'd type a sentance in, i'd read it, and then respond by typing. anyways... so he hugged me, and every time he did, his hand always went lower. i should've known. i'm so lucky. so why can't i just... get over it? i never talk about it anymore... you see, people hate hearing about it and they just want me to get over it and forget. why can't i? am i so selfish? or what? what is wrong with me? i'd thought i'd shaken all of this... until i started that book today. that day was the first day someone ever kissed me at all... besides my family. he kissed my shoulder more than once. ugh... i hate remembering it. does it help? or does it make it worse? i hate feeling numb though. it drives out any chance of healing. i was starting to feel numb while i was reading that book. at first i felt so close to the girl who'd been raped, felt like i half-way understood taking a shower as soon as possible. the nauseia. the nonexistant appetite. then all of a sudden i disconnected myself from the story and became numb. i believe God had His hand on me that day when i was with nathan. because all that happened was we "cuddled" while i prayed so hard i wondered if i was praying out loud. nathan had locked his door. i was so afraid. i wanted to run, and i wanted to give in. i hated it all. finally i told him i wanted to go back to my uncle's apt. and i'd make him something to eat. heh... i am a great cook, or at least, know my way around a kitchen. yet, i just made us mac and cheese. which i couldn't even swallow. i waited two days before i told my uncle. but that night, after i showered and scrubbed myself until it almost hurt- washed my hair twice and changed my clothes... i called my mom. i just sobbed. she kept saying it wasn't my fault. you have no idea how the words sound, or how they hit my ears, blaming myself in so many ways, my mother's soothing words seemed so hollow and empty, though she said them with all her heart and soul. i was mad at myself for feeling so horrid. for feeling so defiled. i hadn't been raped! i hadn't even been molested, but something was wrong. something had been violated. something had been stolen and i still don't know what it was. i need to go... i'm gonna start crying if i write anymore... and the computer is right out in the open. *hugs* love you all. don't worry. i'll be okay... God has His hand on me.

I have had a hugely hard week, I don't even know what to think. Last night I nearly started sobbing but I could hear Katie groan at the faint sound of me beginning to cry so I sucked it up. Usually I'd rant about how I feel or what's going on, but today I'm going to do something that always helps me, I'm going to copy out some Bible verses that I find and stick out to me. I'll put them up here and maybe one of them will help you too. "Having therefor promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." 2nd Corinthians 7:1 It's interesting that it's not just, filthiness of the flesh, but also that of the spirit, huh? I've been dealing with a lot of pride, a lot of hurt, and a lot of self-righteous feelings. Today in my quiet time I read in 2nd Peter. "Likewise, all you younger submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resists the proud, and gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves because of this, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time; casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." 2nd Peter 5:5-7. Why do I mull over my problems instead of giving them to the only One who can really handle them? This morning I spent some time casting my cares on my Jesus. "Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it." John 17:33 "And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and He that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He doth judge and make war. His eyes as a flame of fire, and in His head we many crowns; and He had a name written, that no man knew, but He Himself. And He was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and His name is The Word of God. And He has on His vesture and on His thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS." Revelation19:11-13 & 16 "And when I saw Him I fell at His feet as dead. And He laid His right hand upon me, saying unto me, "Fear not; I am the first and the last: I am He that lives, and was dead; and behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and death." Revelation 1:17-18 "He that overcomes, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels." Revelation 3:5 "For whosoever is born of God overcomes the world: this is the victory that overcomes the world, even our faith.. Who is he that overcomes the world, but he that believes that Jesus is the Son of God?" 1st John 5:4-5

man... i don't even know like, so much is happening and i'm so overwhelmed. I love my job, but the rest of my life is unravelling it seems. Our church is just... i don't know... i'm totally disconnected from all of the people there and there's this family there... ugh. They talk smack about us, and they just... ugh. Not only that, but my best friend, well, i found out she's belimic (sp?). She didn't really know she was. She'd been anorexic for a year or more, and when she tried to start eating she'd get sick and throw up. She didn't even think about it, until she mentioned it to her mom this week, and her mom asked her some questions. Plus, she Jared and I always hang out together. Jared is 19, she is 16. He likes her. It is screwing everything up. I don't know how to act, i love them both so much... it's not so bad. Last night was awesome, only I know that she is always so uncomfortable about the whole thing. I hate that more than anything. Jared and I get along like brother and sister. Yeah, I DO get along with my brothers, okay. Even though my younger brother is trying to be cool, and so he started to shop-lift, smoked weed once or so, and other stuff like that. I found all of this out this weekend. We didn't go to church today. *sighs* Mom has been working 12-hour days and she's exhausted, she won't be home until 10 tonight. My sister Katie was working too. My big brother Daniel and Dad are in Cali. visiting my grandma. I feel very far away from God. Like... people tell me the way I dress isn't modest enough, what I eat isn't healthy enough. My brother is being stupid, but i love him more than i know what to do about. Ugh.. at least i have an awesome job. I miss Jesus. I miss being really, really close to Him. I hate being judged by the people i love most. I know i'm not sinning against God! Why do I feel so far from Him? Jared and my best friend are coming over in a few, we're going out to eat. My sister Katie, younger brother and our friend Sarah, are all coming with us. It should be fun. I'm glad that I don't hafta go to work 'til Thursday this week. Maybe I'll get some time to get close to God again. Why don't I take the time I have now though?

Page:  1 | 2 | Next >  Last >>