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I don't think I am going to use this anymore.... Just too many things going on and I never check sorry everyone.

i want so much to just run him over with my truck..... lol
tim told me alot of things and none of them nice or even right. he was a total jerk and i really lost it. its like he is bipolar cause one day its all getting better and then the next its like i never even meant a thing to him. blah. i wish that i could just fix everything. not get back with him just make it where we dont scream at each other everytime we are in the same room. he just makes me sooooo mad!!!!!!! i dont understand it all and i dont know what to do other than yell!!! i wish that i could just change it all. because it just hurts right now. but that really doesnt matter to him or at least he acted like it didnt but i did do my best to hurt him. but he was so cruel that i couldnt help it i said what i knew what would hurt him. it was wrong and i tried to apologize but it was too late and he hates me now...... but if anyone deserves to despise anyone its me to him.... but i dont and i cant and that annoys me more than anything! i dont want to love him. i dont even want to like him right now but i still love him no matter what he said and i cant figure out why......

i just miss him so much. i feel like i cant get away from him..... i am completely heartbroken. i finally let go and let myself be in love and be happy and then it was ripped away and its my own stupid fault all over again. i just love him and i cant ignore that...... i want to fall asleep next to him and wake up next to him the next morning just because it feels good to know he is there. i am so in love with him that it feels like my heart is in 2 pieces right now and i cant put it back together..... i drew this heart jigsaw puzzle and there is a piece missing and 2 extras that dont fit. that feels like where i am at. its so strange because no matter what has happened between us i cant seem to let him go. he is the first one i didnt run away from.. he didnt let me. now i pushed him too far and he is tired of chasin me...... tired of wantin me to be ok and not lettin him help me. i want him to love me still and i dont know how to see if he still does......

sooo i was at my exboyfriend tim's house tonight well last night because my purse was there...... long story..... but anywho. we have been fighting and being mean and cruel to each other. and i love him so much but i didnt want to tell him because he was hurting me. he loves me too but he is scared and i screwed up........ i cut myself........ i havent in awhile and i think i just pushed him away for good. he yelled at me and told me how stupid i was and he is right. and he doesnt know if he wants to be with me anymore. i dont deserve him anymore...... i have screwed up alot lately and it would break his heart to know it....... i just wish that i could have dealt with so long ago. he told me that he is trying to clean his act up and i believe him. he told me that God would never steer me wrong and he is right. just to hear tim say that is completely crazy and noone will really understand that..... i think that he is going to be one of the worst regrets i ever had. i wish that i could make him know how i feel. i want for him to be there..... i want him to help me while i fix myself. i want him there. i want him to be the one i know i can run to. but i dont think he is anymore i dont think he wants to be. i do love him tho

so i know how strange it must be to see me on here......

i know i have disappointed alot of you and for that i am sorry....

i went through alot of different things and my world was spinning so fast i think i was standing still while it went around me

i miss you guys i do. i only wish that you knew how much. I care about al of you so deeply and i wish the best for you all

I know i have made some mistakes but to be honest....... i do not regret most of it because i have learned from all of it i have gained so much from this whole experience

what i finally realized though is that life is not about money or schooling or cars or even finding the perfect guy..... its about being happy, the experiences you have with the ones you love, the time you spend on other people, its about really living not just cautiously walking through your life but LIVING! so many times we are scared to jump because of what might happen. what might happen? you might find what you have been missing. you know to find something, sometimes you actually have to try and look for it.

so a lot of things have been happening. I have just been pursuing "the american dream." what ever that might be. i feel like i have spent the last few weeks fighting all of the progress i had made. i turned around and spit in the eye of the ones who were leading me. I split my heart and my personality and just lost it. i had this huge freakout and felt like i had to just branch and find something to do and people to hang out with in my apartment complex. I found the wrong crowd within a week..... but they were fun and friendly. so i felt like it would be ok. it wasnt though. i just felt like i needed someone and i didnt realize that i still had friends... it was like subconciously i had let the devil in to ruin my life. i hated it i was miserable i couldnt sleep and i feel like i made some of the dumbest mistakes i could have. but now i feel like it doesnt matter. God forgave me. Candy, my dear friend, told me that no matter how i messed up, or what i did; she would always love me and so would God. I really dont know what would have happened if she hadnt come to me when she did. I really think that i was falling so fast that i was about to drown in my own self-destructive behaviors. there is this part of me that was screaming out that has finally reached the outside. i have gotten my recklessness and anger under control and i hope that is the way it stays..... the worst part about all of this is the way i am afraid that i disappointed people. i wish i could go back but i cant and i realize that. sometimes we spend too much time dwelling on our past even though that is the one thing that we have no effect on.

Blah... I am sitting in my very bare bedroom at my house. It is frighteningly empty. I am almost completely moved into my apartment now. It is really different. But everyone has always told me that college is completely different from high school. people just get along better than they do in high school. i guess because noone has to talk to anyone else. I just feel this need to get to know as many people as i can like every friendship could be the only one i have. college is going to be a strange but needed experience for me. I pray that while i am here i can improve my ministry and witness. I love the fact that i get to meet all these different people and dont have to act like i am a certain way. I made so many friends yesterday. And i didnt put on a face. I just was there acting like myself and people liked me. they simply liked me because i was me. not because i was a cheerleader or the dumb girl or because they heard some rumor about me being easy. or anything like that. they knew me only by the way they saw me and i acted and they liked the way i was. i acted no differently than i do at church. I just was hanging out at RSU and it was fun and i met new people and i talked to all different kinds of people. i almost felt guilty at one point but you know what i dont think i should. I am not supposed to be buckled down and i dont have to act like i am offlimits to the world. i dont know sometimes this whole world just seems so pointless to me. I just want to move on from all of these earthly things and see what is to come because it just has to be so much better than anything we have here i guarantee it. this whole world is full of problems and hurting. Satan has such a hold over people. It just drives me crazy to think about. the way that people hurt each other without any sympathy..... i dont even remember why i used to be that way. I cant make myself think that way even. it truly has got to be satan. there is absolutely nothing else that can make people act the way that they do. wow so this has changed subjects a couple times lol o well talk to you guys later! elizabeth xoxo

Ok sooo church tonight... stinkin sweet that is right it was STINKIN sweet. lol i am so happy probably the happiest i have been in a couple of weeks... this person that i look up to, like my worldly mentor, said that i was awesome. I am so PATHETIC! lol anywho. I had a bit of prophecy going i guess. it is still wierd to call it that to me but i am getting better about it. Anywho, I have been keeping it in and kinda avoided telling this person this thus far. well today i was finally pushed into telling her. Well than i found out that exactly what i had said to her was something another evangelist said to her on sunday so i completely confirmed it to her... and if i had said it first like i was supposed to than the evangelist would have been confirming what i would have said.... how cool is that. me an 18 year old "newer" Christian telling an evangelist a message from God. sweeeet elizabeth xoxo

Ok soo i actually felt like writing a blog it isnt completely for tammy.... umm i am having problems right now and i dont mind sharing them because i dont care if anyone knows. I feel like i am being tempted to do alot right now. I just have all these opportunities. and i dont know what to do. I know that i dont want to do antyhing stupid but sometimes it just feels like life would almost be easier if i wasnt doing things the "christian" way. i mean dont get me wrong on that statement. I just feel like before alot of the things that i am having trouble with now wouldnt have been a problem. some of the people that i am around now are the ones i used to be around back when i was a bad kid and i thought i was a strong enough christian to hold my ground and let God take over and lead me but i still feel like i am not. I know in my heart it is the devil telling me to do things that are against God. I just still feel like i am trapped in this cycle. Everyonce in a while something changes but nothing major and i feel like i am stuck in a rut and nothing can change right now. With one of the situations from church/work I just want to forget what i know and act like nothing is different because it hurts me less that way. I just dont want to keep acting like nothing has changed between us because it has and it crushes me when i start to think about it and i am tired of defending her. I defend her to myself and i dont even know why i keep doing it!!! it hurts me when i try to act the same towards her because she doesnt even look the same to me. she doesnt realize how i feel towards her and i dont want to just blow up on her but still. why should i have to sit here and act like everything is just peachy while i am losing it inside while she is just chilling out thinking about how i am still her friend. I am lying to her and trying to lie to me....... I dont even know when all this started but i almost wish i could go back to the beginning and write her out of my life. cause she burned me pretty bad. not to mention what she did to everyone else. and she is still gonna do what she wants and just have a good time... other people deserve the gifts that everyone gave to her. so many people did so much for her and when i think about how we were all repayed i just get mad....... wow i had no idea how much i just needed to let go of some stuff..... sorry tammy i just vented i will write another blog later probably elizabeth xoxo

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