My best friend Lenny got himself engaged to a wonderful woman this past weekend.  My family was shocked because they all thought he would never get married.

We have been really good friends for some time now.  We had the same thoughts on life.  He was always my male counter part.  My check point balance.  He kind of took up where my Dad left off, when my father died.  In a lot of ways, Lenny reminds me so much of my Dad.  Their counsel was so similar.  Lenny was always honest with me (painfully honest when needed).   He had a way of making me see things in a different light.  We were never romantic.  His friendship has been one of the best things that has ever happened to my life.  To incorporate a romance in it, I felt would have destroyed something really special. 

We both felt the same way about love and marriage.  We did not mind the falling in love part (which we did with other people during our friendship) it just seemed like the marriage part was the greatest hesitation.  We both felt there was no need for it in either one of our lives.

He is a very good man.  A good catch for any great lady out there.  He is intelligent, extremely whitty (he makes me laugh about 98% of the time) a professional, and financially secure... and he's not bad looking (I have him under "my photos").  He was my steady, my calm in the storm.  I am going to miss him very much.

I knew of his intentions with Annabell (his fiance's name) before anyone, even before he spoke with his parents, whom he is very close with.  I even helped him with picking out her ring, discussing quality and sizes of diamonds.

I wasn't really sure if he was going to go through with it or not.  However, this past weekend, he popped the question.  I am honestly very happy for him.  Before this planned weekend of his, I asked him his reasons for getting married.  I said "I thought you and I figured out we do not need this in our lives."  He said "Anna, I am suddenly feeling lonely, and realizing time is running short."  "I do not want to grow any older alone."  I was surprised, but I appreciate his honesty, especially with himself.

After I got off the phone with him, I pondered for a long time.  I wondered if fear was too motivating of a factor to make someone get married.  I thought singlehood is by far greater, and I thought he felt the same way.  I am glad that he realized his need, and found someone as wonderful as Annabell.  I have to wonder if I am being as honest with myself as I need to be.  I don't know, and unless I let the Lord in that area of my heart, I might not ever know.

I truly, with all my heart, wish them the happiest of lives together.  I want nothing more than to see my dear friend happy and content.  I told him things will change for he and I.  We cannot talk to each other everyday like we did.  Nor hang out at each others homes anymore.  Nor bounce almost every major decision off each other anymore.  He is doing what he needs to do, and that is draw closer, and closer to Annabell.

The funny thing is, I feel like I'm losing Daddy again.  I've been thinking a lot about Dad lately, and missing him very much.  I'm loosing more than a friend in Lenny.  I support him completely, and could not feel at rest with this if Annabell was anything less than the woman she is.

Of course, I am invited to the wedding, which will be held in Lenny's parents summer home out on Cape Cod.  I am also a photographer, so I will be photographing the wedding as part of my gift to them.  I want to be there to capture some of the happiest moments of his life.

Well... good bye Lenny.  Thanks for being such a special friend, a brother, a Dad, a confidant, a wonderful person.  I will miss you.

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The Desrires of Your Heart

A very close friend of mine, called me desperately needing prayer.  She was very upset and hurting and needed some answers from the Lord.

I think she is an exceptional young lady.  Smart, sweet, loves the Lord with all her heart.  At the center of her life, is a deep desire to please the Lord, and walk in His will.  She cried a lot, and I listened.  There was a desperate plea to receive some understanding, any reasonable explanation, which I  really could not give her.  I thought it would be best just to listen.  She really needed to express her heart and the pain deep within.  So... as a good freind,  I let her talk and cry.

She is waiting for the Lord to bring her soul mate.  She is feeling desperate, and more so as each year goes by.  The anxiety of her biological clock ticking away (ladies you understand what I mean) can be unbearable.  A woman reaches a point in her life when she begins to feel that her best child bearing years are beginning to move behind her.  Something inside of her begins to panic.  I've watched some friends make some of the worst mistakes of their lives, motivated by that relentless ticking clock.  However, the clock does tick, and with each tick comes more desperation.  I understand her pain.  There were no pat answers.

I am always glad when I'm speechless, because it stills me.  I am acutely aware that I do not have some soft qualifying answer.  You know that all purposeful answer that could smooth away a little pain, at least  for one night.  We are all capable of it.  I, at times, can almost be too good at that.  Afterall, she is my friend, and I don't want her to suffer like this.  However, I am grateful for the speechlessness.  It is at that time I begin to pray quietly inside.  I begin to search for the Holy Spirit and His still small voice.

As she began to calm down some, and a moment of silence came, I asked her if we could pray.  There was nothing else I could offer her.  We were both quiet for what seemed like an eternity, which was for about 45-50 seconds.  Then the sweet presence of the Lord came.  I softly began to thank Him for who He is, what He is, and the Love He is.  She gently began to thank Him too.  We continued on like this for several minutes.  We recounted His faithfulness in each of our lives, and the many times He came through for us over the years.  We spoke out loud of our testimonies, confessing to Heaven those great battles He has won for each of us.

There was a shift from looking at what she did not have, to truly seeing Whom, and what she really has.  It was a keen reminder to me too.  Before long we began to confess with praises of the person of Jesus Christ.  Scriptures began flowing from her.  Finally, there was a song, and then the beautiful quiet stillness again.

Before we got off the phone, she was laughing.  I believe it was a God given laughter.  One that was meant to be expressed before the enemy, who tried to defeat her that night.  Ultimately, what really happened is... she surrendered.  She gave her lonliness, dissappointment, despair, and fear to Him.  Was it a total surrender?  Probably not.  I've been there, and at times, still visit that void.  But at least we have Someone who is aquainted with our hurts and afflictions.  We have a God who can relate.  That is such a profound fact to me.  He knows me and knows the hurt.

I too have had a contemplative week.  During my devotional times this week, I've had a lot of reflection (see my bulletin "Broken Bread and Poured Out Wine" Oct. 5th).

It is best to be quiet.  Get still before the Lord.  Shut off everything, and allow ourselves to turn on the ear that can hear Him.  We really have so much.  It is easy to see what we do not have, but He shows us Whom we really have, and then some.  He turns our tears, and mourning, into laughter and joy.  No one can meet us like the Lord can.  Surrender, and give it to Him, daily if need be, but trust Him to fill that void.

Let's focus on Him with hearts filled with gratitude, because we do have much.  We have very much.

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Well... I know I've been M.I.A. lately. These past 24 hours is the most I've spent on my computer in over 3 weeks.
I've been doing a lot of catching up with emails, writing blogs, bulletins, etc.
One of the things that relaxes me the most is when I write, especially if I'm hurting over something. There is such a release for me, when I have time to "dig in" to God's Word, and write about those things He shows me. I love to write. In a way, it heals me. I am comforted.
I've recently pulled off my bookshelf a book titled "Smoking Flax." It is a book of poetry written by John Wright Follette. He is not a well known poet and author (he has written other books) but his work hits a deeper side to me, which causes my heart to look at the Lord in different ways. I've heard others refer to Brother Follette more as a Mystic (whatever that means). His teachings are deep with revelation.
There are several poems I favor over the others in his book. I would like to share one with you. It's kind of where I am right now.

CONFESSION (by John Wright Follette)

All silently he paces back and forth
Within the narrow confines of his cell
A hungry panther hidden in my heart.
I do not hear his steps, but, then, full well
I know he's there, for many, many times
I feel his cushion feet upon the floor
As wearily he makes his endless round
And sometimes puts his paws against the door.
At night when shadows lurk within his cage,
Two strange lights gleam and glow like balls of fire
His eyes in fruitless searching penetrate
the darkness with their hunger and desire.
Well-trained, he does not vent his passions fierce
When thoughts of broken dreams would haunt him sore,
His rage is spent; a captive he is held:
To gain freedom now he tries no more.
This panther is a phantom in my heart,
And knows no life apart from that I give.
'Tis only as I loose the chains of thought
That he has any power thus to live.

I hope you enjoyed it!

With Much Love,
Anna

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"... but He that loveth him chasteneth him betimes" Prov. 13:24b

"For whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth"  Heb. 12:6a.

We will consider the second half of this Scripture.  "...and scourgeth every son whom He receiveth."

The Lord expresses His love to us in many forms.  One of these is in His chastenings.  These chastenings can be painful, and at times confusing.  During a time of chastening, we sometimes question His love for us.  Just as a father would correct his child for crossing a street dangerously, so our Father corrects us away from paths of Spiritual danger, and also, to purge the rebellion from our hearts.

The scourgings, however, are quite different.  The scourgings changes our character into His character.  Webster's definition of scourge is: an instrument of punishment or criticism.  This word scourging comes from the Greek root word massaomai (Strongs #3145) which means to handle or squeeze; to chew.  His scourgings are not easily borne by just anyone, but are for those that truly love Him with a love that demonstrates a life that is committed to Him.

This is a lifestyle that goes beyond and is not satisfied with just a salvation experience, but a life that is surrendered to the Lord for His higher purpose.  A life that has a very deep desire and love for Him, His ways, and His will.  This life is meat in the Master's hand, which is willing to be squeezed and chewed.  Matthew 7:14, speaks of such a life, "few there be that find it," or rather, few there be that are willing to pay the price.  Such a life is very resitricted.  It bares not only the chastenings but the scourgings of the Lord... WILLINGLY.

This willingness does not come immediately.  We LEARN to let go of "self," and let God have His way in our lives, as we behold Him.  It is impossible to behold Him and not have our love increased for Him, and have our own hearts revealed.  His scourgings tries that which was revealed to us in His Glory.

When we respond rightly to the Lord, we are changed from Glory to Glory.  We begin to look more and more like Him, demonstrating His character.  "But we all with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, we are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord"  2 Cor. 3:18.  His Glory is no longer hidden from us.  It has been revealed in the face of Jesus Christ.  "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the Glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ"  2 Cor. 4:6.  We now have access through the Blood of Jesus Christ.  It is OUR choice to seek Him and behold Him in His Glory.

When we do not respond rightly we become indifferent with God.  We try to hide from Him, by hiding from His Word, removing ourselves from corporate fellowship, and His presence.  Eventually sin invades our lives, "... sin lieth at the door" Gen 4:7.  The enemy looks for such opportunities "... your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:" 1 Pet. 5:8.

We can become bitter, and harden our hearts to the measure that He is unable to move upon our hearts.  When bitterness is allowed to take root in our hearts, not only are we defiled, but MANY become defiled, Heb 12:15.  Unbelievers and the Body of Christ are touched with that defilement, because we ruin the testimony of Jesus Christ in our lives.  I don't know anything more painful to watch that this type of defilement take place in a believer's life.

In His love toward us, He continues to prod us by chastening us.  In our love toward Him we embrace the squeezing, criticism, and the sharp instrument of pain, which is the evidence of His scourgings... so that His Glory may be revealed through us on this earth.

Does your love for Him speaks: :Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him..." Job 13:15?  Are you WILLING to let Him have His way, and require from you those things that are displeasing to Him?  By doing so, you are saying He is truly Lord of your life.  Or are you just satisfied with the constant prodding and corrections that are placed on a little child, which speaks of a life that knows Him only as Savior?

Oh, the joys that will flood your soul as you render "self" to Him.  Let His scourgings change you into His wonderful character.  His fragrance will rest upon you when you let Him have His way with you.  And when others come near you, they will know that they have been near Him too.

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Let's consider 1Corintians 11:28.  "But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup."

I want to draw your attention more specifically to "... let a man examine himself..."

This is the key, the priority, the action before communion.  Unless this is done first, we cannot partake of communion worthedly.

Let us journey together as we "dig in" to His Word further.

Are you ready?  Here we go...

The more direct correlation to this scripture is found in Matthew 5:23-24.

"Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift."

Most of us read this and think this is an act that should be done before we worship our Lord.  It can be used within that context too.  However, this is a command the Lord has laid before our heart before we THINK we can bring any type of offering to Him.  Even the offering of communion.

Within the obligation of self examination, there are also others to consider around us.  It could be a co-worker, a friend, a family member, a neighbor, a spouse, daughter, son, mother, father.  Not just someone in our local church.

This examination is within and without.  What is within, will affect without.  It always does.  You cannot live one way, even in secret... well hidden, and others not see the true you at some point.  It is impossible, if you are a true Believer.

This word "examine" is very interesting in the Greek.  It is the Greek word "dokimuzo" (Strong's #1381) which means to test, to approve, to try.  But was is even more interesting is the root Greek word to dokimuzo, which is "dokimos" (Strong's #1384) which means approved, tried.  The difference between the 2 words are "try" and "tried."  One is active, the other complete.  He trys us everyday in our walk with Him, but the more mature Christian, the one that LOVES Him, no matter what the cost... this one is tried.  Like tried in the Fire.  This heart lays bare before God and Heaven,  trusting and unafraid, but reverent before the Lord.  This Christian is not afraid to let their heart be examined before a Holy God.

This act is a MUST before partaking of communion.  If not... "For this cause many are weak and sickly among you, and many sleep."  (1Corintians 11:30)  This word "sleep" is figurative, but actually it means literal death (kaimao)... a dead body, as the Body of Christ is for the most part today.  It moves in a lot of activity, thinking it is producing, when it is actually putting forth death.  "Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name?  and in they name have cast out devils? and in they name done many wonderful works?"  This is the Lords response: "And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you; depart from me, ye that work iniquity."  (Matthew 7:22-23).  Now here is the interesting part.  That word "knew" is the Greek word "ginosko" it is a primary verb used in a general sense of knowing.  However, upon further digging, this word "knew" also means approved.  Like in the word examine... approved, try, tried, in as in 1Corintians 11:28.

If we fail in self examination, and not allow ourselves to be approved and tried by the Lord, we hinder the work of the Body of Christ by producing death.  We spin our wheels in performing many, many works, which will produce nothing except to hear the Lord say... "I never knew you, depart from me you workers of iniquity."  That is a profound and awful statement from the Lord.  He is not only saying, He does not know you (approved you), but He is also saying that which you have produced is nothing but iniquity.

We cannot get before a Holy God, without self examination.  We have got to ask the Lord to try our hearts, to see if He finds anything contrary to His Holiness.  Lord, have I offended you today?  Have I said or done something to hurt someone, or to bring shame to your name?  Have I loved today?  Have I laid down my life, my desires, my wants and wishes, for someone else, for another member of your Body, for a stranger?  Lord, have I offended anyone in your Body today?  Lord, is there someone I know that is upset and angry with me today?  Lord, is there someone who has aught with me, that I need to go to, to seek reconcilation, to love them through this offense?  We must examine, forgive, and love... then we partake of communion, demonstrating the true purpose of Jesus' broken Body and poured out Blood.

I emplore you today, to stop whatever you are doing.  Get before God.  Ask him the above questions.  Let Him examine, approve, and try your heart.  Please do not partake of communion unworthedly, producing more death to the Body of Christ.  Please allow this wonderful and loving God, to purge those things that do not please Him.  Allow yourself to be humbled by asking for forgiveness from someone you have offended.  I promise you if you do, the confession that the Lord will say over you is "well done thou faithful servant."

With much love,

Anna

Part Two to follow.

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