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Happy New Year’s!

(2007)

...A New Year Prayer.

Another year has come and gone

You’ve walked with me each day

You’ve guided me, and counseled me

To help me find my way...

 

Looking back on where you’ve brought me

And the lessons you’ve so patiently taught,

I can reflect on my own impatience

And how your will, I had diligently fought.

 

...On those days when I couldn’t see for looking;

But the way was always clear in front of me

To those times when I’d blindly turn to logic,

Refusing to allow myself to Spiritually see -

 

For a year of stubborn disobedience

I confess intentions that were ill;

Simply because my faith was not strong enough

To abide by, and obey your perfect will.

 

And now, another year is dawning

May it be graced by your revealing light

May you shine the way through stubbornness,

So I can start it right!

Amen.

 

I don't know if you want to call this humility, eating humble pie, or just plain self-condemnation...but whatever it is: It's sincere.

 

It's been ages since I wrote in this blog, and this poem in particular I figured I'd share. I wrote it just before New Years... It's over a week late being added here, but hey - It's all good!!!

 

the old things are passed away, the new is come.

Welcome 2007.

May it be truly the "Year of the Lord!!"

Wow...It seems like forever since I've written in this blog.

I had a little bit of a bad experience tonight at church --- I think it's left me traumatized...or at least, very gunshy. (so to speak)

My clergy asked me to get up and sing a song that I wrote...I obliged (BIG mistake)...My nerves got the best of me. It was horrible.

First of all, the person playing piano for me started me off in the wrong key --- "YIKES" (Way too high, especially considering I'm just getting over the flu and my voice isn't to it's full capacity anyway...) So, yeah that was embaressing. I had probably two words out and I stopped...blushed...put my head down, and apologized profusely...then I was looking down at my clergy member (who usually plays for me) and I was looking at him (and THINKING) like "WHY AREN'T YOU PLAYING FOR ME!??" (He's used to my singing...plus he's more familiar with the song...) The pianist who played for me wasn't... and he got frustrated. So anyway, off to a bad start. I reluctantly attempted again. But with all honesty I froze, paralyzed with fear.

so anyway - I sang. (1/2 of the time without music!) I shut my eyes, blocked everyone out...and just longed to have it all over with.

I told my pastor: "NEVER again." (I meant it too.)

People came up to me afterwards telling me I done a beautiful job...I'm thinking like: "No I never. it was awful. Stop trying to be nice." (I hate false compliments.) I'd rather people not say anything at all; than to tell me it was nice when really it sucked.

I guess the only way to look at it is: God looked on my heart, and he knew my intentions...so I'm sure he accepted it as worship.

(But never again - am I doing a solo vocal.)

I've decided I will take on the role of coordinator for Pioneers... It'll be a growing experience, to say the least. I'm really uncomfortable right now with communication issues between me and my clergy...Ofcourse, I plan to confront it (*DUH!*) --- would I do any different.

The only thing is: Tact. How do I correctly express my thoughts without offending them, or causing them to get defensive? My prayer is that God will direct my words.

Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I need to rest... and leave all this evening's events with God.

God Bless.

Corina.

It's true that when one door closes, another opens ---

Even if it's US who close the door.

Yeah okay - so I admitt, I've made mistakes...mistakes that I'm regretting right now...What else is new? Life is full of mistakes...but then again, if you believe the Bible is complete truth, then you also know that everything works out for the greater good.

God knew long before now, that I'd be a stubborn, headstrong, goof of a Christian; and that I'd need to be brought to my knees in order to be submissive...

(in short - "I have to learn the hard way.")

right now, i'm praying about a decision regarding taking on Coordinator's position with Pioneers...We currently have between 60 - 70 children (in the younger groups) and around 20 - 30 in our teen group...not bad, considering we're in a rural area.

It irritated me last year (to no end) when i saw certain things falling through the cracks. I've taken it on myself to do certain things in the past year, without being asked --- when I've saw the need of it to be done.

I want this ministry to succeed, and reach it's full potential. I don't altogether think I'm the ONLY one capable of doing the job, but I am the one who has been asked to fill it.

"Right now", I believe I probably should take on the responsibility --- as long as my clergy realize that I'm bound to make mistakes!!! (I'm new at this sort of thing.) I'm kind of nervous of them getting their expectations up too high...because I do believe they have got HIGH expectations where I'm concerned. (While it's true that I have leadership qualities...I also have idiotic qualities...LOL...hey, just being honest.)

Maybe, I'll take it on --- as a trial basis. Maybe, even if I can't meet their expectations, I'll still step in and do the best of my ability to help them along...Maybe, just maybe: This is a growth opportunity, and I should look at it as that.

Maybe, I need to let Jesus take the wheel; I've been driving too long.

God Bless.

 

 

 

I thank the Lord for another battle He has seen me through...

It seems these days, it's one thing after another...I mean Satan is throwing darts, rocks, bottles, "WHATEVER HE GOT!" at me!

LOL

It's been an intense week...From confrontations, to heated discussions, to riding the "emotional roller coaster", to SELF-destruct almost being triggered...

What do I have to say?

Thank the Lord, that "SELF" is NOT in complete control.

I've been involved in many confrontations - and as painful as they are; I know they were God's will. That's how God deals with me.

It's one thing when they're taking place, and you feel as if the entire world around you is CAVING in, but then it's totally different once you finish and have God's peace resting on you --- reassured that things have been RESOLVED according to God's plan in doing so.

They wear you out though...especially, when the other parties involved are church leaders and people you look up to. I think that's been the hardest part: Allowing myself to be dissapointed by their behavior, and having to see "MENTORS" in the light I have seen them this last week.

(*shakes the dust off...*)

Ok - moving on. What's next?

I listened to the guest speaker again the other night, from YC 2006 "Roosevelt"...

I remember thinking the very same thing I did, down to YC...his message stirred the same thoughts up again...regarding where I am, and the issue of Officership (dare I say the "O" word?)

I'm trying to put it to rest...but it's not easy; It won't die.

LOL

Ok, time for me to take off...

God BLess.

I thank the Lord for another battle He has seen me through...

It seems these days, it's one thing after another...I mean Satan is throwing darts, rocks, bottles, "WHATEVER HE GOT!" at me!

LOL

It's been an intense week...From confrontations, to heated discussions, to riding the "emotional roller coaster", to SELF-destruct almost being triggered...

What do I have to say?

Thank the Lord, that "SELF" is NOT in complete control.

I've been involved in many confrontations - and as painful as they are; I know they were God's will. That's how God deals with me.

It's one thing when they're taking place, and you feel as if the entire world around you is CAVING in, but then it's totally different once you finish and have God's peace resting on you --- reassured that things have been RESOLVED according to God's plan in doing so.

They wear you out though...especially, when the other parties involved are church leaders and people you look up to. I think that's been the hardest part: Allowing myself to be dissapointed by their behavior, and having to see "MENTORS" in the light I have seen them this last week.

(*shakes the dust off...*)

Ok - moving on. What's next?

I listened to the guest speaker again the other night, from YC 2006 "Roosevelt"...

I remember thinking the very same thing I did, down to YC...his message stirred the same thoughts up again...regarding where I am, and the issue of Officership (dare I say the "O" word?)

I'm trying to put it to rest...but it's not easy; It won't die.

LOL

Ok, time for me to take off...

God BLess.

Happy Birthday to me;

Don't ya know - I'm CRAZ-EE!

I'm older and i know it

So, Happy Birthday to me!!!!

(Tommorrow - thursday is my birthday. Whoopity - do - da.)

Okay, so that was my foolishness shining through. Sillyness is a great stress reliever. Meanwhile, on a more serious note, I informed my Clergy this morning that I've put the "O" (as in 'Officership') issue "to rest"

Her reaction - Shocked....and speechless.

I said: "I've put the whole Officership issue to rest"

She said: "What about God? Has he?"

I said: "For now, He has."

She said: "Oh." (with wide eyed, jaw drop look on her face)

I anticipate further discussion about that comment, in the future...However, given the Spiritual battle I've been in lately, and my little bit of 'rebellious' nature, I don't think i'm an Officership candidate. At least - NOT now. I could tell she really didn't know what to say...but that's okay. I haven't known what to think about it either. It's pretty discouraging to have hope just "snatched", and the rug ripped out from beneath you...Fortunate for me, I'm well endowed to take the hit! *HAHA*

It sort of changes my perspective - because I was "convinced"; which ofcourse has me doubting SO-O much more now...I'm trying to leave it with God, and not even think about it; Because I know it's another snare set by Satan. (I don't much feel like a 'wabbit' right now, so I'm not interested in getting caught in a snare.)

So, I'm praying God will keep me 'short sighted' right now, because I really don't want to focus on LONG TERM right now. My 'heart couldn't take it'.... "Devastation" has been my middle name lately.

It's a valley. I know. One I'm not particularly enjoying *at all*... One that I've visited before, so my attitude is: Ok Lord - Teach me my lesson already, my patience is growing so thin with this roller coaster i'm on.

 (Sounds dis-respectful, and that's not my intention...I'm just venting. God knows that, and He see's my heart. He also knows I will do whatever is in my power when it comes to obedience.)

"Give me Faith to believe, and the courage to recieve"

Amen.

I've returned from YC 2006. It's been an 'eventful' weekend... The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...but eventful. LOL I've been confronted with yet another "SPIRITUAL CRISIS" -- well, actually: Same crisis, different chapter (if it were a book...lol) I'm seriously considering quitting the Youth Ministry. This weekend wasn't one of Spiritual Renewal. It was one of complete disgust with myself...and one which reminded me of my insufficiencies --- I don't know...i'm needing retreat. It seems like everything i put my hand to, I fail...or give up on; then i end up regretting it, beating myself up over it...and the whole vicious cycle continues on. I've asked God for strength to cope, and to overcome. I've asked him to remove the ministry desire from me, since i 'obviously' am NOT able to live up to it... There's alot I'm not writing here, but just reading between the lines: I feel like a failure. I'm not going to make either decision right now. I'm wiped out emotionally, and physically. So, I'm just waiting on God --- Longing for a fresh touch. (Amen)

It seems the worst is over regarding the death of Baby Morgan; Now, it's only a matter of allowing God to heal "in his time" My prayers still are with my brother and his girlfriend.(For their Salvation, and for emotional healing...) As well, I'm praying for my parents. They're also unsaved, and I know this has impacted them a great deal. I'm praying that this will be a wake up call for my entire family ~ to the value of the children, and to the Sovergienty of God... to the Spiritual responsibility that we have. Here's a thought that I had...Saying "In God' time doesn't make things better - It simply makes them Worthwhile." - (Corina.) the thought was so predominant that i wrote it on my MSN name, and i've really been thinking about it alot. YC is coming up this weekend...Looking forward to it - although, i have to admitt "excited" is not my mood now... I do however believe that it will be a positive experience. I'm praying for our young people...that they'd get a glimpse of a VERY REAL God there, and that they'd respond to his prompting. I'm praying for myself that God will sort of RENEW me this weekend...sounds selfish, I realize... but i know i need to be RENEWED. In the meantime, got'ta keep up appearances...keep up the HYPE - for the sake of them. It's not that I'm depressed...because i'm not. I'm just sort of "solemn" (and that's mainly because of recent events within the family.) I'm actually very positive about the upcoming trip to Corner Brook. I honestly do believe God has got something really good in store for our YOUTH. I'm praying for it. I'm believing for it. Not looking forward to the trip...7 - 8 hours..."Uggh!" oh well. Can't have your cake and icing too! Bye.

i breathe a sigh of relief today --- It's been a difficult two days. "Difficult" being the understatement, ofcourse. "Morgan" was Christened yesterday morning. The Salvation Army Officer dedicated her, and tommorrow at 2pm is her funeral. She will be buried in the Anglican. Her father was Salvation Army, her mother was Anglican -- so this is what they decided to do. I couldn't go to be with my brother, simply because i was unable to get the time off. Mom and Dad have left this morning to drive up. (11-12 hour drive.) My brother is handling the situation really well actually...Ofcourse he's shed alot of tears, but I have to admire the way he's handling this...My heart goes out for his fiance: Who had to go through all of this. Something like this changes a person - for life, I believe. God has been really merciful though...As hard as this situation is, I've felt his presence many times. yesterday morning was particularly difficult. I went to work, and then ofcourse the tears struck. I cried to break my heart; and I attempted to arrange for someone to cover the rest of my shift, but was unable...so there i was: spurts of crying...and right there as a public spectacle. Needless to say: Not a good day. (Rest in peace, little Morgan Peace and assurance is ours because we know You are with God) yesterday afternoon, i felt much better. I think I'll actually make it through this shift without shedding tears. (Weird thing: to feel guilty about mourning.) Plus just being overwhelmed over the shock of it all, and the thoughts of my brother having to handle this without any family around, my father travelling (because he's really sick), etc... God is faithful though - so I choose to leave this into his care.

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