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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on

the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was

tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am

going to

set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I

will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

 

 

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed

across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power

went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in

the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their

computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all

GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

 

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the

past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he

screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and

I don't have any?"

 

 

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

 

Doctors:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

 

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

DADDY'S EMPTY CHAIR

A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come

and pray with her father.

When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed

with his head propped up on two pillows.

An empty chair sat beside his bed.

The minister assumed that the old fellow had been

informed of his visit.

 

"I guess you were expecting me, he said."

"No, who are you?"

said the father.

The minister told him his name

and then remarked,

"I saw the empty chair

and I figured

you knew I was going to show up,"

"Oh yeah, the chair,"

said the bedridden man.

"Would you mind closing the door?"

Puzzled,

the minister shut the door.

"I have never told anyone this,

not even my daughter,"

said the man.

"But all of my life I have never known how to pray.

At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer,

but it went right over my head."

I abandoned any attempt at prayer,"

the old man continued,

"until one day four years ago,

my best friend said to me,

"Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter

of having a conversation with Jesus.

Here is what I suggest."

"Sit down in a chair;

place an empty chair in front of you,

and in faith see Jesus on the chair.

It's not spooky because he promised,

'I will be with you always'.

"Then just speak to him in the same way

you're doing with me right now."

"So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it

a couple of hours every day.

I'm careful though

If my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair,

she'd either have a nervous breakdown

or send me off to the funny farm."

The minister was deeply moved by the story

and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey.

Then he prayed with him,

anointed him

with oil,

and returned to the church.

Two nights later the daughter called

to tell the minister that her daddy had died that afternoon.

Did he die in peace?" he asked.

Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock,

he called me over to his bedside,

told me he loved me

and kissed me on the cheek

When I got back from the store an hour later,

I found him dead.

But there was something strange about his death.

Apparently, just before Daddy died,

he leaned over and rested his head

on the chair beside the bed.

What do you make of that?"

The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said,

"I wish we could all go like that."

 

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive.

I asked God for water,

He gave me an ocean.

I asked God for a flower,

He gave me a garden.

I asked God for a friend,

He gave me all of YOU...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God.

Cell Phone vs. Bible

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?

What if we turned back to go get it if we for got it?

What if we flipped through it several times a day?

What if we used it to receive messages from the text?

What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?

What if we gave it to kids as gifts?

What if we used it as we traveled?

What if we used it in case of an emergency?

What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?

This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing! Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!

 Last one I promise..well for now atleast..

 

 

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

 

 

 

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to mess up next time.

 

 

 

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

 

 

 

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you?

 

 

 

 

 

Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.........Maybe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

 

 

 

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

 

 

 

 

Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop he wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?

 

 

 

 

He just has to open! his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!

 HAHA this is a G-R-E-A-T joke..lol

 

Three men werer. hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river. Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

 Just another wonderful story..

 

 

Written by an Australian Dentist...

To Kill an American

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American. So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is . so they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!) " An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan. An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans. An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan .. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God. An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness. An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return. When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country! As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan .. Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists. So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Hey Guys Just a wonderful story I came a cross and thought ya might like ta hear...

 

Two Horses ~ Author Unknown

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing. If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owner of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.

Good friends are like this . You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle".

Have you evered wondered why you ever wished you could be grown or older. Well thats what i'm wondering now I just want to go back to when we all just ate candy and whatched disney movies. To a time when guys were not always jerks or when they were you just beat them up. (or mybe thats just what I did). When no one thought twice about guys hanging with girls or girls hangin with guys. you know back to when no one said hey they must like each other and such. I just want to go abck to the time when life was simple....