I have come to terms through much prayer, reading scriptures and reality check that I must choose divorce. He is even being nice right now, but only to gain control back. He is starting to slip back in old ways. It is also said that one must be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. This is how I am proceeding with leaving. Idaho is also a community law state so there won't be too much trouble in getting what I need to get a clean start. I just will lean in his favor of him having the house. I cannot tell you how much pain I am in. We tried marriage counseling years ago, he won't go by the catholic teachings as far as marriage goes, not even marrying me in the church, nor does he love me as God loves the church. That hurts me too. The pain leads me into depression and self destructive behaviors and an unhappiness beyond description. It hurts to know that I am not really loved by him at all, he is just being civil for the time being. I cry more than I smile, it is pure torture and I want to rush out, but I will lose too much if I do so. This is one of those times that a good cry doesnot cleanse the soul. I need a peace that I have not had in a long, long time. I am so scared to go from a controlled enviroment to a place where I am alone. Eleven years of controlling me. Bu belittling, judging, yelling and throwing things at me because of his tantrums and then turn around and want sex. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is my life, he also has me trapped without a car. He gave his son a car and he drives a truck. But I do not have a way out of the house. I am on disablity for several reasons, but I can drive. How long do I need to wait? What do I need to do to get things in order? Where are my resources? How do I conquer my fears and not be defeated by self destructive behaviors? I don't want to just talk about this, I need to do something now. Any advice or thoughts and prayers will be greatly appreciated.