The good the bad and the ugly

So much has happened in the past week that I am totally overwhelmed.   I don't even know where to begin, except I guess at the beginning.  My best friend Rachel came to visit from Austin.  She came in Monday night.  It has been such a whirlwind; there was so much to do!  So if we missed anyone, please do not take offense, it has been INSAINE!  We went to church a lot and took a trip to the beach.  We ran all over town and back.  There was a lot of emotion.  She left early this morning to go back to Austin.  God was doing some really awesome things while she was here and one great and wonderful thing is that He called her back to Oregon.  YES, she is moving back here.  Thank you JESUS! 

So much has changed since she left Oregon back in 2003.  Nothing felt right to me anymore.  I gave up a lot and entered into seclusion inside of myself that I hadn't even realized.  I have changed so much and I am not the same anymore.  I have made so many mistakes and have hurt a lot of people in the process.  Thursday night when I went to the college group (our old stomping grounds), I was so angry.  I was angry at God for taking Rachel away from me and I was angry at Rachel for leaving.  I was hurt and I couldn't even worship.  This made me feel terrible and I ended up warring with myself deeply about it. 

When we saw one of our Jr. Hi kids at College group, I was in such shock.  We saw BOB  hehe that isn't his name but that is what we called him.  We have seen him around all over since Thursday.  He came up to us because he recognized us.  When I first saw him I knew that I knew him.  Then I remembered he was our little "worm eatin" friend from Jr. Hi Camp.  He is playing in the band in the high school group now.  He has come so far!  I am so proud of him.  That brought back a lot of emotion.  Bless his heart. 

As the week rolled on and things got busy I stuffed a lot of hurt and pain and anger so that we could just enjoy the time we had and to help her to find her way in all of this.  God is doing awesome and wonderful things in her right now.  It will be awesome to see where He leads her.  By Sunday, we were starting to feel real sad.  When we went to church, something changed significantly inside of me.  I have always felt like I soared in the shadow of Rachel's wings.  I felt I was kind of the one under the radar in our group of friends.  When she left I was so torn and I walked away from church, the Jr. Hi everything that had to do with her, because facing it without her hurt too much.  I moved on in my life, and learned how to go it alone, but in the process I got left behind.  I felt that I had let so many people down, especially my Pastors that I worked with.  One in particular I felt I had really abandoned; I also believed he hated me.  When I saw him, I was nervous.  You know what, he welcomed me with a smile and hug and brought me to tears.  He hadn't forgotten about me, he still has my picture in his office.  I cried so hard because I felt that I was forgotten all this time.  I didn't even realize how much I missed everyone.  How much I missed my Jr. Hi kids, how much I missed my Pastors, how much I missed being loved by the people of my church.  I broke.  I totally broke.  Especially when our friend Mychal told Rachel that God said it is time for me to come out of hiding.  I am so shut off from everyone, not just church, but family and friends too.  I have been stuck for so long and I am not even sure where to start to fix this.  All I know is that I cannot do this on my own.  I have to stop holding back and stuffing all this pain all the time.  I have to stop keeping myself away from the people who love me and allow them to help me through this.  For the first time in almost 4 years I can honestly say that I am not okay.  But, I will be.  I know that God is doing a lot right now.  It is time to let go of the past and follow into the future that God has for me.  I am so scared because I am not sure where to start or what to do, but I am faithful that God will help me through. 

This song Walk sung by By The Tree has really helped me in the past and it is about time that I really meditate on what it is saying and allow God to help me walk away from the life I have been leading and open myself, my home and my life to the church and to the people that God has blessed me with.

I am walking into a new season and though I walk through the valley of the shadow death, I shall fear no evil for Thou art with me.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Marci

Walk

By the Tree

Take a walk down, down, down
Down to the other side
Take a walk with me
Take a walk down, down, down
Down to the other side
Let your heart be free
Take a walk down, down, down
Down to the other side
Take a walk with me

Chorus:
If you just walk away
Soon the pain will fade
And if you just close your eyes
You will find the light

Close your eyes, close your eyes now
You can feel the morning sun, feel it on your face
Close your eyes, close your eyes now
Reach for the Holy One, realize His grace

HE will dry your tears
And take away your fears

(this blog was for last week)