Excerpted from my book entitled The Eve Factor: Strengthening The Male Female Relationship this information is intended to bring enlightenment of where you or someone you know may be and to become a step toward coming out of it and getting on with the abundant life Jesus has to offer.
I Deserve
There is an interesting thread that I've found that has been woven throughout the quilt of women who have lost themselves. It is one that if removed will allow them to separate into the beautiful individuals that they are; appreciating their lives and all that they have been blessed with. For being entangled in this tapestry, though it may be interesting to look upon, is in fact a spiders web with a tarantula waiting to eat away at the very life it has so cunningly trapped. This thread is the inability to say that I DESERVE GOOD THINGS. Oh you may not hear them say this outright, but try and give them a compliment or try to get them to do or say something good about themselves and you will be astonished.
I find that women who have lost themselves for weeks, months and even years seem to have a difficult time believing that they deserve anything good. I say this of course in reference to whatever situation that may have contributed to them being lost. In some cases they have taken the opposite point of view and actually believe they deserve everything wrong that has happened to them. Can you believe that there are women who actually believe that? Of course they do. Financial reasons are not the only reasons that the abused woman will stay in the relationship. Why do you think a woman will stay with a man who openly cheats on her or abuses her? Why is it that she would baby-sit the child he bore with his mistress while they go out on a date? Why would women buy a mans love with clothes, jewelry, automobiles and expensive trips knowing that he is using her car and money to date other women? Why would a mom hang on so desperately to her son, who is doing absolutely nothing, is disrespectful and going nowhere? It could not possibly be solely predicated on her love for him. The only thing love has to do with it is that it is lacking for self. When we learn to love ourselves first, it is then that we know the limitations of how to love others. Lets take a look at Tina and Tiara. Tina and Tiara had given so much of themselves to the males in their lives that by the time I met them they had been through several relationships all of which had left them so empty that there was nothing left for them. During the course of counseling with them it became quite clear that they had lost the intrinsic value of themselves. In an attempt to bring them back to valuing themselves, I gave them assignments, one of which was to make a list of the wonderful qualities they possessed. They both found it difficult and almost impossible to do. I told Tina to go and buy some bath products and take some special time to pamper herself. I gave Tiara a similar task and to my surprise they both in different sessions told me that it was a waste of time and I replied that it was not a waste of time because they were worth spending that little extra time on. When I asked them if they felt the same way about themselves, to my utter shock they replied with a look and words that said that they were not worth it. Not worth taking to extra time to pamper yourself with a simple bath. Stop reading and think about that for a moment. If this describes you or someone you know, please understand that this is a dangerous place to be. It is time for a reality check. You cannot properly love someone else without first loving yourself. If you are not getting the love you desire it is because you are not first giving it to yourself! In fact the love that you are giving to someone else is not necessarily love at all. It may be an attempt to hold on to something that doesnt exist. Think about it! If you are constantly being hurt by the person you are trying to hold on to regardless if it is intentional, known or unknown on their part (sometimes they are not hurting you at all it is simply an unrealistic expectation on your part that they are not meeting), then you need to reevaluate what you are looking for. First and foremost you need to begin to give yourself the love and time you deserve. By the way, YOU DO DESERVE WHATS GOOD. You are worth much more than you realize. Take a little extra time with yourself. You cannot start from anywhere else. You must start with you. You are Gods highest creation in the earth! He saved the best for last! He didnt leave you on the ground after creation, so why are you still there? You are a woman not a rug!
I had to start Tiaras list for her naming all of the wonderful things that she had done. I mixed them up and put them into a story. I told her about a female friend of mine who, edifying her as I went along, I told her that I wanted her to help me help this friend. After finishing up the story I then asked her what she thought of the woman. She went on to tell me what an incredible person my friend was and how much she admired her. Of course she was shocked to find I was not talking about someone else at all, but that she was indeed that woman. Just like Tina and Tiara, there are too many women out there who need to change their self-image through the use of proper language. Some call it self-talk. Whatever you want to call it, you must find a way to talk to yourself about yourself in a better light.
The scriptures teach, As a man thinketh in his heart so is he. Sister you need to realize that life beats you up enough as it is, you dont need to give it any assistance. This is a battle that you can win! Dont look at it as an abnormal experience, but as one that comes to give us a little time to replenish and re-focus on self through a reevaluation of where you are at this point in your lives. Understand that you react or respond based on what has been programmed into your computer (read: your brain).
Our brain was created in such a way that we are able to program it through our five senses. This programming results in our actions and reactions. If you were embarrassed because you attempted to step out and try something new, then chances are the next time you attempt to try something new your brain will bring up that memory. Its a great thing the brain does because it also protects us from danger and harm. If youve stepped off a curb and had to quickly jump back on the sidewalk to avoid getting hit by a truck, the next time youll first look both ways before leaving the curb. These experiences create the memories and the voices in our heads that we hear when we need to make decisions etc. It is these same voices in our head that talk to us allowing us to reason and act. These same voices may also cripple us if our minds have been fed too much negative information. As I said earlier we program our brains. How? Through our senses, however, we are especially susceptible to words.
The saying sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me is a lie. More people have been permanently scarred by words while the wounds and breaks from all the sticks and stones have long since healed. Think about good and bad news. If you get bad news from a doctor, before ever getting a second opinion you start feeling worse. When someone tells you that youve inherited millions of dollars from a relative youve never met, your sickness instantly disappears, you begin to walk in spite of the fact that your legs dont work and the only blue you recognize is the newly found bright sky that you will be enjoying from the cruise ship youll soon be on. For this same reason you are also affected by words that you personally speak to yourself. Actually you sort of hear those words twice. What do I mean? Well, have you ever heard your voice on a tape recorder? It doesnt actually sound like you does it? That is because you are accustomed to hearing it from both your inner ear and outer ear. When you hear it on a tape recording you are only hearing it from your outer ear. Therefore, when you talk negative talk to yourself it is like hearing it twice. Not only that, you normally say negative things with emotion allowing it to move into the subconscious mind more readily. Unfortunately you cannot erase this, but on the other hand you can dilute it and add some new and improved information in. The combination of negative self-talk, giving so much of yourself to others and the lack of replenishment can easily bring you to the point of feeling that you do not deserve good things. Do yourself a favor and try this. Listen to the thoughts that go through your mind and examine them. You will find that if you are going to make any change in your life it will have to start with the changing of these conversations. As you identify what you say to yourself, you can then begin saying, with emotion, the things that are more positive about yourself. It is these things that will help you to come to the place where you can actually believe again that YOU DESERVE GOOD THINGS. In fact say it now. I DESERVE GOOD THINGS! I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! I AM A WONDERFUL PERSON! GOD CREATED ME TO HAVE LIFE AND THAT MORE ABUNDTANTLY! Now go ahead and start throwing some long needed love on yourself because YOU DESERVE!
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