Here I am. Writing a blog at three in the morning. Loving life.
It's just a feeling I can't fit into words.. I am content despite my concerns. I am peaceful despite my problems or fears. I am alive and it is good. I live. And it's knowing what I live for that makes this life so full and beautiful.
I won't worry about the future, or grieve the past, or spoil the present. I'm here now, and now is where I need to be. I am being used for beauty, I have purpose. Everything is impacting me for a reason, there is meaning. I am impacting everything, even if in a small way. I love by my actions. I believe by my actions. I am saved or damned by the choices I make, the things I do every day. And it is good.
Forgive me for my absence. Forgive me for my intrusiveness. Forgive me for being a fake. Forgive me.
All I want to be is a picture
A living portrait of you
Lord, let them see your beautiful face when they look at me!
Not to us, but to your name be the glory.
All I want is to want you.
Transform my ways, renew my heart, for I am human.
Cleanse me of me, father!
Lately I've felt like my online friends can never, ever truly know me the way I am in person. You've never seen me, heard me, listened to me... I can be anyone to you and you won't know the difference. You can be anyone. It feels like deception... even if I am honest with you, you could never really understand what's happening in my life. Nor can I understand you.
I can say the things expected of a Christian on this Christian site. Have you ever read the posts in the forum? Do you know what a forum is supposed to be? It's supposed to be a place where people bring up a subject and post their thoughts about it, and others post their thoughtful responses. That's another thing. It doesn't sound like anyone is truly putting thought behind their words. We say what we are expected to say. Nothing is new or original or at all applicable. We repeat the cliches, say what would be the "godly" things to say. It might sound like something that we could
apply, but it all only exists in the mind or on the page. It doesn't feel like I can use any of it. It's just words in a certain sequence that are showing up on the screen and might look smart but it is all meaningless.
Have you ever been in the chatroom? There may be some people I've met that truly do interest me, relate to me, show me things I might never have thought about on my own. But for the most part, it is the most dehumanizing and superficial environment one could place oneself in. Girls my age and younger ask me of my age, gender, and location before they seek anything else about my character. Most of the kids on my "friends list" probably don't even know my name. If you aren't, for example, 14 and male, they quickly lose interest and the rest of the conversation lags and focuses only on the trivial. Trivial, irrelevant, petty, vanishing, worthless. Nothing is thought up or brought up, at least nothing that matters. Words tend to lack substance or meaning around here.
Relationships? I'm starting to doubt I can really call any of you my friend. You don't know me, even if I've talked to you every time I've been online. None of you has seen my face. But even that has no meaning. None of you has put your arm around my shoulder or helped me change my bike tires or said something so casually yet made me really think and feel about it. You've never taught me how to defend my beliefs or serve my family or pray for the dying. Perhaps you think those things are trivial? Perhaps I am over-analyzing? Perhaps I am. But these things matter to me. They
matter. I don't believe I can really grow a relationship, a companionship, a
love for anyone I haven't seen or touched or known.
Please forgive me if I am ranting or making no sense. My intent was not to hurt anyone or tear anyone down. I'm not saying I don't love you guys or that I am quitting on online friendships. But... I don't think I'll ever get personal or even fully trust any of you. I'm sorry if that's hurtful. I'm sorry if I'm being a jerk. Maybe I am. But this is what I've been feeling lately. This is what I believe.
I don't feel human here. I don't see any of you as human. I do, but human relationships were not meant to be this way... so long-distance, so unreal. It's like all of you are ideas. Sure, there's a man or woman behind these words. But I can never know him or her because they may be making their whole personality up. Any of you could be fraud. I could be. Not only that, but I think that when I talk to someone online, they miss a part of me that would only exist if we spoke in person. I'm not the whole human without being, well, a human presence.
This is like a community without the whole point of community: being
together, helping one another out, sharing wisdom and joy and sorrow.
I do care and pray for you guys, especially those that I've been talking to a long time. You are real to me, but not as real as I believe you should be.
I think I'll be spending a lot less time online from now on.
~Mikayla
I am so tired. It's 3:00 AM. I'm a freakin' insomniac.
And here is the random thingablog of the day:
I have no cell phone. I am the only one of my home school friends without one. I think I'm the only one of all my friends... well, maybe not. I can't get a cell phone until I get a job and thus a paycheck. To pay my own bills, drat it.
Cell phones are so convenient.. and popular.. and complicated and cool these days.. all my friends are texting each other and spending several tens of hours talking per month. And I have to give out my stinkin' home phone number.
At least I have the wonderful privilege of the Internet, included Instant Messaging and e-mail. But I would so love it if I could have a phone of my own, digits that ring only me, and not my whole family. *sighs* Alas, I must wait at least another year. I'm so behind the times. I don't even have any music on my mp3 player.. none that my friends would actually listen to. Only boring stuff my dad had on his Rhapsody thing.
To be optimistic, I got a laptop before most of my friends. I have my own computer. That's... uh, good.
BAM.