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The past week has brought so many changes to my life, and to the life of that of my future husband.  Some I've fought against, but in the end, I had to realize that this is not about what Rachael wants.  It's about what God's will is for my life.  Learning to become submitted to that hasn't been easy.

Ryan made the decision that we aren't ready to be married yet.  Except that he told me it was the Pastor who changed the date again...which hurt me and caused some friction, but we've worked through that.  I've learned that I'm a very strong-willed woman and I bought a great book called The Strong-Willed Wife by Debbie Cherry.  This book was a complete eye-opener for me.  Strong willed women have in common some of the following traits:

1.  We are superwomen who can't say no to a task and even though we've accomplished all 101 tasks on our list for the day, we feel like we've accomplished nothing really.  This leads to us feeling burnt out in the end.

2.  As wives, we are commanded to submit to our husbands as to the LORD.  When we don't submit to our husbands (and submission, by the way, isn't a dirty word), we show Christ our attitude towards him and by our actions, show Him how we would treat him if He was standing right in the room with us.  Yeah.  OUCH!

3.  Strong-willed women marry either a strong-willed man or a passive man.  I'm marrying a passive man, which frustrates me, because as a strong-willed wife, it's difficult to submit to a man who doesn't want to make decisions for himself.  It almost feels like a parent-child relationship at times.  Passive men don't like this and strong-willed women want a husband they can submit to.  One issue I know we need to work on in counseling.

4.  Strong-willed women don't want to look at themselves or their faults.  They want to look at other's faults. 

I know there's more, but I'd have to reread that book many times over to remember all the important lessons I learned from its pages.  But finally, I can say that I'm on the right path to allowing my husband to lead.  For me, it's difficult not to point out those things that I need for him to change in order for me feel comfy with us getting married.  I've prayed about them, and God's told me to focus on me changing and let Him worry about Ryan.  So I'm going to let God do what he does best and sit back and wait.

So who knows when we'll be married?  I know we will before August of next year...but at this point, with the date moving 3 times, I am down to planning for a simple private ceremony that involves us, our pastor, our parents, the kids and two witnesses.  It's too much stress to keep moving things around.

Who knew that you could end up discussing things like your mouth and colon in a marriage counseling session?  I found out today, you CAN.  We were talking about how to help Ryan loose about 50 lbs or so.  He's 6'2", so that should put him around 200, a healthier weight.  Our pastor is a health nut and was explaining how mouth health is so important because what goes in, must come out eventually.  Yeah.  I was in that in between phase of laughing hysterically and wanting to crawl under the folding chair I was sitting in from a sense of being mortified. lol  Thankfully, one more session and we can get a $5 marriage license.  Woo whoo! 

I'm still exhausted.  Wish I'd been able to take a nap today.  Instead we went to a church member's gym and signed up.  $30/month isn't bad for the two of us.  So I start Ryan on a regimin of running tomorrow.  This oughtta be fun!

Sorry it's taken a couple of days to post this, but we're still trying to recover from the shock.  God's moved our wedding date from March 29, 2008 to January 1, 2008.    That smiley just about covers our reaction...but as of today, we're all .  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine when I met Ryan late February of this year did I dream we'd be getting married so quickly!  God has a reason for moving up the date, although we're unsure of why as of yet.  What I do know is that the reason will be revealed in due time.  I am completely amazed at the changes God has effected in my husband, and I am in awe of Him for what He is doing in our lives.  I never dreamed I was going to marry a pastor, but God remembered my dream as a little girl, and so, here we are.  Say many prayers for us over the next month as we get the preparations in order.

We're also praising God because my husband got a new job, with normal business hours and a better rate of pay and what we hope is less stress for him.  Praise God!

This is just one of those places in my life where it feels like a trial.  Hmmm.  I don't know.

Court went well today.  Ryan's girls will be home just before the end of the year.  His ex wife's parental rights are officially terminated as of the 20th of November due to abandonment.  We're praising God for the fact that they're going to be home a lot sooner than we could have imagined.

What do you do to encourage your husband that you are so proud of him, when he feels like his life does not have any direction? 

I got a temporary job with the Salvation Army working in the office but it's only through Christmas.  Thankfully, that means my rent will be covered for November and December, but after that, who knows?  Ten job interviews and no job.  I just don't get it.  And what about Christmas for my kids?  Who knows how they will have one.  I just don't have the $ to do it this year, and I hate that....

I just know I'm feeling very unsettled right now...like things are about to change, but I'm not sure of when or how.  God, what are you up to here?

Ok, for those of you out there who are spiritually minded, can you answer this question for me?  How do I submit and yield my very stubborn, strong-willed self to God's plan for my life?  Furthermore, how do I see submisison as an equal part with my spouse, and not as me beneath him?  How do I not allow all the men from my past to stop me from letting two people who love me very much and care about my spiritual growth into my life, and take their correction without shutting down and wanting to run?

Well, it's officially official.  I have a ring!

I wouldn't allow Ryan to officially propose until he'd gotten my dad's blessing.  The proposal wasn't anything I could have even vaguely saw coming!  We were headed out the door to take Ryan to work.  He was in his security uniform (Have Mercy!) and I was in my sweats and a tee shirt and just grunging for the day.  So when he got down on one knee to propose, I was completely caught off guard and I felt my face flushing!  But there he knelt, telling me how much he loves me and how he never dreamed God would give him the opportunity to do this again.  Then he said that he is so thankful that God brought me into his life and how thankful he is that God did.  And then he asked me if I would do him the honor of becoming his wife.

"Will you marry me?" he asked.

Ok, this is the moment in the story where I'd like to tell you that I made him wait forever and ever for an answer, but of course I didn't.  I nodded my head yes with tears in my eyes but he wouldn't take that for an answer.  He said I had to say yes.  So I said yes and then found out the news that made this special moment bittersweet.

Ryan has tried to honor my request and honor my father by asking his permission.  But my dad wouldn't talk to him and wouldn't call him back.  He's tried several times.  That news left me disappointed in my dad.  But knowing that this is the man God has called me to minister with, I can't let my dad's stubbornness have an effect on my life.  So Thanksgiving day we're letting my folks know that we're getting married and Ryan is then going to ask my dad to honor the both of us by walking me down the aisle on our wedding day.  But thinking that this possibly not might happen is what makes the tears well up in my eyes.  I mean, you have a dream when you're a little girl of what your wedding day is supposed to look like.  I didn't have a wedding at all the first time around.  But knowing this is my last time getting married because this is the man I've been waiting for as a helpmeet my entire 30 years of life, I want it to be special.  But, as is the norm for me, I'm telling my Heavenly Father about this hurt, and I trust that He'll work this out or bring another man into the picture that will do me this honor.

In the meantime, I'm watching my soon-to-be husband grow more and more every day in the Lord.  I'm amazed that he's become such a strong man of God!  I never thought I'd be marrying a Preacher, and yet here I am.  We started counseling last week, which at first felt like we were going to sit in the Principal's office at school.  I am so thankful for our Spiritual Father (our Pastor) who is taking the time to make certain our marriage will be based on a solid foundation. 

And ya know....when I met Ryan in February of this year, I had no idea of the love story God was going to write for us and how fast He would bring us together to further the work of the Kindom.  I'm still amazed.

So I'm standing over my kitchen sink this morning, mulling over a number of things and washing dishes, when I hear this voice.

Rachael, you need to let me take care of you.

Woah.  Wait a second.  Was that me thinking that God, or was that you?

Louder this time.

Rachael, you need to let me take care of you.

And I just KNEW.  That knowing that you have when you know that you know that you know that God has just directly spoken to your heart.

I had to let go of my new job last week.  Not getting paid and being asked to lie are against what I know is the Truth of God's Word.  It was a scary decision to make being that I'm still a single parent for the next five months and all that I have to depend upon right now is my unemployment income, which isn't near enough to cover all of my bills for an entire month.  I've applied for job after job after job and had eight interviews in that time frame.  No job offers, which is an unusual occurence for me.

In that instant of knowing, I had to stop washing dishes and go sit on the couch and just cry.  Because in that moment, God became so real to me and began to remind me of who He is as my husband.

So I've stepped out in faith, and I've told God that yes, I am going to trust Him to take care of me.  Not that it doesn't scare me, but my mentor tells me that she's gone through this kind of experience with God.  So while I'm a bit unnerved, I can't wait to see what God will do.  Sometimes, it's difficult to let go and let God be who He is.  I Am.

My children amaze me.  How they can pick up on my mood.  I've been feeling kind of sad lately, but maybe that isn't the right word.

I am so thankful to God for answering prayers.  I am seeing things fall into place that I never thought would happen.  I am marrying my best friend soon.  However, with the fires in San Diego, we may not be celebrating our honeymoon out there.  Say a prayer for those people affected, who have lost EVERYTHING.

I am watching the man I so dearly love come into the ministry to which God has called him!  I am so excited for him...and yet my heart is saddened.  For those women who have husbands in the ministry, how do you deal with it?  The time you can't spend with your husband because his ministry work takes time away from family?  I have a need to spend time with him every day, even if it's five minutes.  I have a need to spend time with him in prayer and in the Word each and every day.  It doesn't substitute for my personal time with Christ but when we get together, the Holy Spirit moves even more powerfully than when we're apart! 

And I'm also struggling with my priorities right now.  We asked God mere days ago to bring Ryan's girls back home after his next court date on November 12th.  Monday, it didn't look like that was going to happen anytime soon.  Tuesday, it became a real possibility.  That is definitely a praise God moment...because it wasn't by anything Ryan nor I could do, but by the power of God working in the situation.  :)  God did exactly what I knew He would do.  There is no way I was nor am going to allow the enemy to destroy my family even before Ryan and I are joined as one flesh! 

With the avent of his girls coming back home, it's causing a struggle in my list of priorities.  God comes first, Ryan second, the children third, ministry fourth, my job fifth (when I have one again), and me last.  But it occured to me that a brunt of the parenting responsibilities are going to fall on my shoulders.  I have a husband that is in ministry, and because of that, I'm going to be responsible for all five children.  Which ultimately means that I am going to have to put away my desires to serve God in a church environment for the next ten years.  There are days when I'm not sure how it's all going to work....being a full time mom and supporting my husband and taking care of the children so my husband can be free to minister as God has called him to do....being a full time student....working full time....it is beyond my ability to even imagine how God is going to give me the strength to bear all of this.  This, too, makes my heart just ache right now, because here I am again, having to put my desires aside and do what I have to do to make sure five children and one husband are taken care of with the best of my abilities.  So I'm praying for contentment and peace to do what I should do and not what I desire to do here. 

Here I've been praying for God to instill in me the virtues of a Proverbs 31 woman and it's true that God is working in me and His Word is not returning void.  I just wonder how I'm going to become the wife that Ryan needs me to be.  How I'm going to become the mother that Chase, Abigail, Hunter, Rachel and Caleb need. How I'm going to help support my family financially, as no job is appearing on the horizon for me.  How I'm going to be able to handle full time schooling so I can fulfill the calling God has on my life.  This all is burdening me and this is one of those times when I wish that someone would just point me in the right direction, give me a hug, and tell me everything is going to be ok....

After nearly two months of waiting, one door in the life of the man that I love is finally closed, Praise the Lord!  I can't share details, but please, praise the Lord with us for God's mighty hand working.  We both know none of this could have happened without God's hand working and moving in this situation!!!

We wait in anticipation for more great things to happen, as 2007 is a year of completion.  (7 is the number that means completion).  We expect more miracles to occur as the year closes not only in our lives, but in the lives of those in our church, and for our church itself.  How exciting to see the working of the Lord's hand!

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