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Hey well I do. Be praying please. I took a job here at Id-Ra-Ha-Je after summer camp was over...I love the job, I hate the living circumstances. Be praying that God brings me the people and friends I desperately need.

I'm leaving for the Bible camp I'm workin at in Colorado this summer in about 8 hours. So excited, so scared! Please be praying that God works in amazing ways this summer through the staff and campers that will be there. My own prayer is that God uses this experience to help me to reach these campers, to be a friend to them, and to show them Jesus' love, and if it's where they are in their life, to lead the campers to Christ. I'D RATHER HAVE JESUS!

And I will walk by faith even when I'm blind and I cannot see.

Mood: Frikkn Frustrated Some people think I'm a Jesus Freak, and I will proudly say that I am. but ummm my parents are about twenty steps above me on that church freak (could say Bible thumper) level and it's really really starting to bother me. I can't say a !@#$ word without hearing, "oh lets pray about it" or "well how does that really make you feel?" or the best yet, "All you can do is pray." -yes, praying helps, and God is in control of all, but you can do more than that and go do something phyical about whatever it is. Or even little daily things my parent will be all God gungho about. Making an example here: say you don't pray for something like driving to work, and you see a car accident. So the next day you pray for driving to work and you see no accident but then the following day you don't pray again and you see an accident again. Then the parents go and say something along the lines of, well if you had prayed specifically for safe travels to work, that car accident would never have happened. I tried arguing that !@#$ happens, yes, God can change the course of history, but some of this stuff I think will happen either way. Seriously. Then the parents go off on a tirade of "oh what, you believe in Karma now?" Urgh. and I translate all of this as, "I'm holier than you and you're a weak christian" ...i know, dumb. And it's not at all what they're saying or meaning, but it's how I take it. Like, they can't even talk to me without mentioning, God, Jesus, church, prayer, or a person or group related to Genoa Foursquare Church. And now I totally see why some teens who grow up in strict christians home lose their faith, because the parents are so pushy that it's overwhelming and they are suffocated by it.

UGGGGGGGGGGH. I love kids. But I don't love when parents never discipline their children and then use bribes to get the kids to behave, then give them the bribe no matter how things worked out! The kids (ages 5(girl) and 2(boy) are monsters the entire time I'm watching them....8 hours a day five days a week for three weeks. GRRRRRR. And to make matters worse, if they are behaving as soon as their mom walks in the door, they turn into monsters again. What gives? I'm even thinking avoiding church Sunday so I don't have to see them on my day off. Errrr only 11 more days of this left. Jesus please help me! I keep praying for patience, tolerance, and genuine love for them, but it's so hard to do.

I need some ideas for some wonderful summer reading. Any titles or authors people would suggest?

This could be long, and is full of memories, no need to read...unless you're incredibly bored and want a glimpse into what my life used to be. Went to watch some 'quality' inline hockey in Palatine tonight. So many people I haven't seen in at least a year, some people two or three years. I felt like I was 15 again. Same old guys who would flirt with me than were their usual selves, as though I had just seen them a week ago. "Hey Darlin'! Wow! Talk about a sight for sore eyes! How are you my dear?" He has to be 35 or so, and just makes me feel good...to bad so old and creepy! I saw people who were on my original hockey team, back in 7th grade or so, that was cool, I love them guys, Johnny, Dan and Jason. And seeing Johnny reminded me of his dad, gosh I miss him. RIP. Then other coaches I ran into treated me the same as always - like a dirt. Then of course there was the people from the former Vipers team, so good seeing them. And then there was Pat. First I see him, then I go talk to him (maybe I was too quick in talking to him, hmm) and the first thing I notice once near him was the smell of his cologne... which just brought several memories back from the whole first part of my senior year. I was 17 and he was 21. Weeks and weeks of flirting. All the guys (even older than him) who played on his team, asking me "What's with you and Pat?" and me never knowing. And everyone knowing something was gonna happen but me being the shy 17 year-old that I was and being very bashful and unsure. Then we started hanging out more. Haha, Like the time my parents came and took the car and told me to find my own way home. And Pat drove me home....a solid 40 miles out of his way. Or the parties and for some reason a cop checking everyone's ID except for mine. Or the parties and then being asked by everyone, "HEY! What's with you and Pat!?" Ahahhhah, the drama of the good 'ol hockey days. (the most of my partying was back then) Ooh or there was the time Pat and I stayed out until after 4am on a Tuesday night and I had school the next morning at 7:40am. My parents still don't know about that. Or the time he ran to escape the cops and I was right there with him. Oh what a fool I was. or the first time I was stoned and he called me on it and made me feel horrible for it (God bless him!). Then I remember the last party that he showed up for and treated me like dirt cause I wouldn't do anything more than makeout with him and I was totally completely heartbroken and I was so mad. And then a friend help me realize I was better off. and Wow, the memories tonight! I've certainly moved to a compeltely different point in my life and God is an active part of my life now and I'm glad I've moved on. We can't live in the past but i think it's okay to reminiss.

So discouraged right now. I've spent too much of my time today in tears. It's just not right. I fall apart every time I'm at home. I do so well with my walk with God at college, but at home.....my dad is so gunho for God and just everything he says he makes relate straight back to God and it's a good thing, yes...but seriously, it's irritating because it sounds so fake. Can't dad just be real. We're so different it's killing me. He can't just leave me alone, and that's what I want. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong. Grr, when I'm home and around him I just want to go out party, do a million things I normally wouldn't do just to say, 'you don't have control over me'. ugh, none of this is sounding how I want it to. I'm at a loss for words. WORD OF GOD SPEAK, WOULD YOU POUR DOWN LIKE RAIN? WASHING MY EYES TO SEE YOUR MAJESTY. TO BE STILL AND KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN THIS PLACE...

So I'm sticking with the positives.. :0) Driving back home and nearing Woodstock, it was wonderful seeing cornfields, cows, farms, and nothing but recently upearthed fields for miles; it was then I realized that this is HOME. I used to think I had to be where there are more trees then people, but now I realize that home is corn and soybean fields in the country. It took 10 years of living here until I realized that, pretty cool eh? Another thing, everything is so green here! I love it! The trees are leafy and beautiful, and everything is so green, and the fields have row after row of green sprouts. If people don't believe there is a God, all they have to do is go look at a farmers field this time of year, how can you say there isn't a God. Oh sure, they could go to science...but ugh. Then the garden... Mom has worked so hard in making her front yard and garden beautiful, and everything is in bloom and it's just gorgeous. My parents say that my sister has done a complete 180 since I arrived home Tuesday night. I guess she went from really depressed to bubbly and full fo life again, and they credit me for it saying, saying it's cause her 'sissy' is home. I've been blessed with a job away from home for the summer and a babysitting job for three weeks until I go to colorado. I found out my uncle hasn't had a cigarette in two years and hasn't had alcohol in six years, praise God! Dave and Neal, total blessings. Neal, "That's like 10 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag!" David, always reminding me of God's everlasting love. So many other people who are constantly lifting me up. Jen, Jackie, Kate, Janelle, Mom, Dad, Sarah, Sidney, Jamie, Cassie, most the Crusade and IV people, and so many others, God bless them all! God is so in love with you and me. He's captivated by us. He loves us. We fill a special part of his heart and we're a reflection of him. How wonderful is that? We have so much to be thankful for and we should thank him for it more than just the fourth thursday of every November.

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