|
Viewing 28 - 36 out of 247 Blogs.
| Page:
|
|
4 |
|
|
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic : Only 1 Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal : 10 One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians : None Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic : None Candles only.
Baptists : At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken
Episcopalians: 3 One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5 One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians : We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists : Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene : 6 One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish : What's a light bulb?
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun
|
|
OWLS
Posted On 12/25/2006 09:08:29
|
To all you OWLS
Older Wiser Laughing Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa......
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
And remember my motto;
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body.
But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,
Diet Coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a wonderful day!
For My Liberal Friends :
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishees. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."
And For My More Conservative Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !
For those who never saw any of the BurmaShave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, BurmaShave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising BurmaShave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW OUT SO FAR IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR. BURMASHAVE TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP BurmaShave SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE BurmaShave DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING BurmaShave BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE BurmaShave CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER BurmaShave SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT BurmaShave THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE BurmaShave AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU BurmaShave A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' BurmaShave AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY BurmaShave BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE BurmaShave THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING BurmaShave CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW BurmaShave Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child. If they do - then you're old as dirt... LIKE ME! &nb sp; &nb sp; 
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender. Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are effective reproductive devices if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. A Tire is Male, because it sometimes goes bald and it can easily become over-inflated. A Water Faucet is Female, because it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments. A Safety Pin is Male, because it is often useful in an emergency. A Foreign Movie is Female, because it is not always completely understood. A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. Matches are Male, because scratching is important to them. A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick women up. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this --- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Please pray for my sister in law (Freda) ... she is to have a biopsy on her lungs on Thursday Morning (12/7) ... She is at Vanderbuilt hospital ... This is Yvonne's sister ... we love her so very much ... Pray that the Great Physician will grant our need ... God bless ... Bro. Ott (1 Ki 8:28 KJV) Yet have thou respect unto the prayer of thy servant, and to his supplication, O LORD my God, to hearken unto the cry and to the prayer, which thy servant prayeth before thee to day:
BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS
I remember my first Christmas adventure with
Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike
To visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa
Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"
My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her
That day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always
Told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier
When swallowed with one of her "world-famous" cinnamon buns. I knew they
Were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I
Told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus?" she
Snorted...."Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going
Around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your
Coat, and let's go."
"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second
World-famous cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store,
The one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars.
That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy
Something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then
She turned and walked out of Kerby's.
I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother,
But never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and
Crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.
For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar
Bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.
I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the
Kids at school, the people who went to my church.
I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby
Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in
Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class.
Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never
Went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the
Teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker
Didn't have a cough; he didn't have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill
With growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!
I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked
Real warm, and he would like that.
"Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the
Counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes, ma'am," I replied
Shyly. "It's for Bobby."
The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really
Needed a good winter coat. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a
Bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.
That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out
Of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and
Ribbons and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it.
Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me
Over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and
Forever officially, one of Santa's helpers.
Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I
Crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma
Gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going."
I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present
Down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes
And Grandma.
Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front
Door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.
Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent
Shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that
Those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they
Were -- ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.
I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.
May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS that care...
And may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!
| Page:
|
|
4 |
|
|
|
