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Viewing 19 - 27 out of 247 Blogs.
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Subject: FW: HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could
see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my shed. W ell, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot
them all." Then he
hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini, please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini, please." Again, it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100." So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool... Again, a martini, and the question . "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh ... 'bout 50." The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A r e... y o u r.. p e o p l e... g o i n g... t o... n o m i n a t e... H i l l a r y?????"
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and Noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly Under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 7.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no
longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've
tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What
can I do?
Signed, Desperate
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html " and try
to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application Works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the Applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
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Stuff
Posted On 01/14/2007 08:40:19
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In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ------------------------------------------- Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------------------------------------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ------------------------------------------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) ------------------------------------------- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ------------------------------------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 ------------------------------------------- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 ------------------------------------------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ------------------------------------------- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ------------------------------------------- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. -------------------------------------------Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Clubs -Alexander, the Great ------------------------------------------- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ------------------------------------------- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ------------------------------------------- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ------------------------------------------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ------------------------------------------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ------------------------------------------- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? ------------------------------------------- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women. ------------------------------------------- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ------------------------------------------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? ------------------------------------------- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase........"goodnight, sleep tight." -------------------------------------------It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ------------------------------------------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ------------------------------------------- Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ------------------------------------------- ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------------------- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! ------------------------------------------- Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. &nb sp; &nb sp; I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? ------------------------------------------- YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3.You have a list of 15 ph. numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
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Dirt
Posted On 01/14/2007 07:21:59
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I read something good again this morning in my devotional time. The topic was pertaining to our having hope because Christ lives in us. There were several verses relating to that point.. "Christ in you the hope of glory" being one. "no hope without God in the world" being another from Eph. Well, what is the hope of glory? It was demonstrated by using two pots of dirt. both of them are identical, with the same soil and the same amount of light, water, and necessities. But we will give one of them "the hope of glory", but allow the other to remain hopeless. How is this done? We only need to plant a rose bulb (seed ) in one of them. The action takes a mere second, but now suddenly that pot has the hope of glory. The seed planted inside of it contains the potential for blossoming into a brilliant crimson rose sometime in the future. The other pot, no matter what happens to it ,has no such hope. We could spray paint it with liquid gold, drive it around in a limousine, or erect a shrine for it, but it would still not have the hope of glory. Without a seed in it, it would never be anything more than a pot of dirt. At the time we believed in Christ, He was planted in our little human "pot of dirt". given time, this seedling Christ will grow and eventually be glorified in his saints (2 Thes 1:10 That will be a marvelous blossoming in the future.. In a particular date known only to God, the Christ that was hidden within us at the beginning of our faith will blaze forth in a show of divine splendor. As Paul said, "when Christ who is our life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory (col 3;4. THIS IS TRUE HOPE that the silent spiritual reality currently inside of us will become visibly manifested on the outside. It will be a time of brilliant power as the Lord Jesus "will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body" (Phil 3:21) Since the Lord of Glory lives in us, our hope of glory is not some expectation that will prove in the end to be the stuff of fairy tales. We are assured that "whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame" Rom 10:11 Isn't that encouraging. I love it when I read things like this that put it together in such a simple yet profound way. We have hope.. there are so many people out there just living from day to day, without hope. May they see us Christians as ones who have a living hope, and be attracted to Him.
Dear Friends, This idea is not new with me … I still think it is a good idea. It should be passed along to all who are on your email list and to everyone who is holding a public office. I have been working a lot of hours lately so I have not had much time to send e mails or greetings to you. I still appreciate getting them and thank you for sending them. When I applied for the job that I now have, I had to take a drug test. I did not mind as I have nothing, in that respect, to hide. I do resent having to pay (through taxes) to support those who may be on welfare, who use the monies that our tax dollars give them to pay for illegal drugs and who do not have to take a drug (or urine) test to get the same funds that I had to take to earn their money for them. I wonder just how many of those on welfare would not (or would) pass a drug test to gain their monthly funds to support their habit. I know the tests would cost the taxpayers but I am also sure that the monies saved would more than offset the cost. So if you hold public office and are in favor of this, please bring it up (again) and see that it goes through. Illegal drugs are a problem in our country and I, for one, do not feel that I should be forced to support and buy those same illegal drugs for those who “will not” work to support themselves or their habit. I am not talking about “grocery money” here. If they pass the test, buy them groceries or pay their rent. Just don’t support their drug habit. (2 Th 3:10 KJV) For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. God bless you all, Otmer Horn
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.
We have already checke d on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, n ot a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, y! ou can m ove from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
So, when we reach that golden age,
we'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all our email to: us@Holiday.Inn
The brook would lose its song if you removed all the stones. -Unknown (Psa 9:2 KJV) I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High.
Good luck and be honest.
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
Please answer all questions before scrolling down for the answers.
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below.
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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too. (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they can feel rotten, too.
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