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The last two days have been awful.  My depression hit an all time low yet again.  It doesn't help either because of my monthly cycles which drain me still after all these years.  I really need to sort it out but I'm fed up with taking tablets and too tired to contemplate anything else.

I had thought of a hysterectomy but even though I'm 44 I always dreamed of more children.  I have Helen who is now 20 nearly 21.  I wonder if I should let this go?  It is a conflict always there.  In truth could I cope with another child at this age with my depression.  Don't know but these are my musings.

As a victim of child abuse I still struggle around children but thankfully God was so good when I had Helen I just loved her, showered her perhaps too much.  I havn't seen her for quite a while and I miss her too.  But I must learn to let go.  It never gets any easier as they get older.  We've been through difficult times in the past particularly with her father which affected Helen deeply.  Even to this day, with hints, he hasn't a clue of the damage he caused not just to me, but Helen, her grandparents.  I'm no saint I hated him in the end as much as he hated me I suspect.  But that is another story and a painful one too.

I've recently married again, last year.  We are coming up to our first anniversary.  He is so different, yet occasionally I see the odd similiarities... perhaps my imagination or fear perhaps.

But yesterday he bought me some flowers and a chocolate bar called Heaven.  God is here and all is well.  He chose this man for me.  I wouln't have chosen Ray myself.  But the truth is I love him very much and he is by far the best man I've known in my life.  Life isn't perfect but with God here with us we know we can get through.  Life isn't perfect but we know we love one another.

Breakfast at McDonald's

It seems like nothing is going on much around my life, perhaps because of the mood I'm in which is never reliable because moods can change from second to second depending upon surroundings, communications, whether you want to hear something or ignore it.  I have the tv on in the background, my husband is a great tv watcher but I'm not.  I like the internet but sometimes I feel to spend time with him and not neglect him. 

On saturdays we watch the talent contests.  At the moment in the UK we have two talent contests on.  They are to do with finding the right person and couple for West End musicals.  Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat and on the other channel Grease.

I am amazed actually at the variety of talent from the youngsters, especially those working towards a role in Grease.  They are either gifted singers but not very good actors, or they dance well but don't have strong voices.  The whole show from the judges comments, to the audiences voting and the contestants themselves is very entertaining.

As a christian I was taught at the beginning that ambition is wrong.  I still struggle with this and have perhaps given up things for the wrong reasons.  Yet a few weeks ago I saw a religious programme called Songs of Praise which is showed on Sunday.  In Britain we don't really have that many religious programmes and anything on Sunday is really because they don't want it on any other night.  Sunday is a demotion day for all programmes.

I watch it because I can't manage to get to church.  I'm fed spiritually through my christians on-line and then sometimes I watch Songs of Praise on Sundays.  It is very traditional.  I like traditional. 

On week there was a group of actors and actresses who were christians praying before they worked.  This surprised me and encouraged me a lot.

There is such a lot of emphasis on doing ministry work, missionary work, everything christian it really puts me off because I think (and this is only what I think) that how can as christians we reach the people in the world if we just stick to christian based activities.  An exclusive club, almost an elitist club.  But I think again well we are all sinners and are only saved by grace.

My husband works in the secular world, does this make him less of a christian?  I personally like it and most of the people I know are not christian.  When I walk my dog most are not christian but they are friends.  Does this mean I am associating myself with the world and therefore mixing with 'sinners'.  But didn't Jesus mix with 'sinners' he went to the outcasts, those that were ill.  How can we reach our friends, our families without at least doing some of the things they do.  Like going to the Cinema, Theatre, barbeque, going for a drink in a pub.  It doesn't mean we will get drunk (although to be honest it was a christian lady who took me for a singing night out and I ended up drunk which is just not like me at all.  I didn't realise it but she had a alcholic problem).  I made a mistake and I asked God to forgive me.  It was a learning curve but still a confusing one to me. 

How do we separate ourselves and yet remain in the world just like Jesus without becoming holier than though?

Has anyone got any answers to this?  I would sure appreciate it.

God Bless ..... Daisy xx

The sky is blue,
Trees, waving hello,
Birds, singing their heart out.
Today, the blue green waves saunter in.
God is here!

Her tail is wagging,
The husband smiles,
Hearts beating their rhythms;perfect precision
The breeze, cool, and untamed
God is here!

Milky white, cotton wool clouds,
Diverse, by shapes abstract in design,
Glide eastwards

Leaves, contrasting shades of green,
Transformed by the light
Sparkle against the humble,
Hidden delights of the dawn.

The glittering golden washed sand
Awaits the trudging small feet of children
God is here!
Love is here!

On the first day, God created the dog, and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life - you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

I'm having a bad day with my depression today. I'm learning to live with it and be patient with myself. There are so many physical changes which I find the hardest to bear actually. It's like I am a different woman both on the inside. Yes I have the peace inside and the calm but on the outsid I look an absolute (in my eyes) a mess.

Reading a friend's blog today I thought about the word care and what it really means. So as usual I got out my dictionary because words have more of a feel to me. I have not been cared for in my life, I could count the hugs I've had on one hand, true hugs. Years of abuse and neglect left me not really understanding about what care is.

The dictionary says:

be concerned;be bothered;be interested;look after;attend;foster;minister to;nurse;protect;provide for;tend;watch over;consideraion;forethought;protection

As I read these words I realise God has been faithful to me not only has He himself my Shepherd looked after me but He has found people to care to. This is a great comfort to me.

It's not always about hugging all the time because in many ways as an abuse victim I find this overwhelming. It's the little things, the kind word, the consideration, the actions like my husband today has took my dog to the vet because I just can't make it. My daughter yesterday saving me some curry for when I can get round. My friend ringing me up to ask me to go out, but today I can't. I find my on-line friends a comment on my blog a hello in my other comments or a picture ministers to my needs. It's looking at a knitted angel dolly that my daughter-in-law made for me. A picture that my step-granddaughter made me. God giving me space, time and no guilt about resting, for it is then I hear Him speak to my heart of what really matters.

No matter what a mess I look like I know that God accepts me for He is interested not in the outside appearance but what is happening on the inside to our hearts. Babbling words and yes sometimes too many wordy prayers completely lose me because I have no concentration. My prayers these days are sighs and groans.

When I read the bible and look at Jesus' life on earth He was so practical. He touched in a caring way, He always said the right word at the right time and that is important. His humility is just beyond anything I've ever seen and heard of. There is no one quite like Him. No wonder the church Pharisees and Saducees were mad at Him. He confounded them, angered them because it actually showed them up for who they were and yes are today. The biggest miracles are not the showmen type miracles they are the everyday small often unseen acts of kindness that only God knows.

I'm not into crowds, or show evangelists that to me is not what it is all about. Jesus says when we pray we should go into our rooms and shut the door and our Father in Heaven who sees things in secret will reward openly.

The miracle to me is that Jesus saves and forgives us so that our names are written in the Book of Life. That is our reward, for some this is not enough. For me this is everything.

My heaven I know will be fields of daisies the Lord showed this to me last night. I just love fields of daisies, the simplicity of this flower and the happy childhood thoughts and yes walking in hand with my Saviour Jesus Christ forever is truely worth waiting for.

In the mean time holding fast to His promises, showing love and giving love wherever and leading them to Jesus. This to me is the Gospel. Being forgiven and being with the Father who loves us.

I've had one of those days where I wish I was a computer engineer that could fix a problem straight away.  I love computers, but when they don't go right I get so frustrated.  Finally after a few hours I walked away sat by my window and thought about how I always want something now!  It is ingrained in us.  We live in a society where it is pushed in our faces.  NOW NOW NOW .... YOU CAN HAVE IT NOW.

As I looked at some flowers I had picked last week which really ought to have been thrown away I picked off a pod and opened it.  There inside were lots of new seeds.  How amazing is that.  What was dying in front of me had already got the new seeds ready for the next lot of flowers.  But of course I had picked them so they wouldn't fall to the ground.  Well instead I opened them and planted them in my pot of soil in the bedroom just to see if they will take root.  I don't have a garden as I have a flat and this one plant.

I love nature and when my mind had calmed down I realised I was fretting over something that really wasn't that important.  Time is eternal.  There is never a now because we are forever moving on.  It's like chasing a dog's tale wanting everything now.

Later that evening, what was important happened.  My one and only daughter whom I so adore rang up to say hello and that she had cooked a curry and was saving me some for when I came round.  She was tired and so was I so I didn't eat it tonight but  it was the thought.  I'd missed her and hadn't seen her.

Love is eternal it never ends.  This is something so person or enterprise company can wrap up and sell.

God Bless ... Daisy

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