My Testimony

Hi! My Name is Alicia, I am a firm Believer in Jesus Christ and I am in Recovery from Sexual Molestation as a child, as well as fear, anger, trust issues, depression and codependency.

I was born at 5 pounds 6 ounces in Houston, Texas to my loving parents they were very young-- my dad was 18 and my mother was 16. They got married and it lasted a very short time. So my mother and I traveled to Alabama and then by the time I knew it I had moved to Tennessee, that didn’t last long either. So by the age of 4 my mother and I had moved to Alto, Texas. At that time, my mother who had been married to a Pentecostal Preacher’s son had just got her third divorce. That was just the beginning of the chaos that was still in store

My mom met my soon-to-be- step dad and by the time I started Kindergarten, we had moved in with him. I loved him with all my heart and as a very small child, I saw him as a perfect man. Life was great. We went to church and as it was, could be called we had the “Perfect Family.” We put forth this demeanor that nothing was ever wrong, Even though we struggled a lot with financial problems. These problems were due to us owning our own construction business in what is a very small town. That is the time when my mom got a job outside of the family business, She became an apartment manager. That move allowed us to see how controlling my step father was. He took the job as maintenance man at the apartments managed by my mother. She could not go to work unless he was there. By this time I had started playing softball all the time and he no longer would allow me to attend the softball games or even practice unless he was there. We were not allowed to go anywhere or do anything without him being there with us. When we did go places we were to stay right there with him. I did not play with the other children and my mom was not allowed to socialize with the wives unless he was in the same room with us. There was no drinking or eating anything from any one.

I was an A, B student at the time I entered middle school, my step father and I had a very good relationship as father/daughter. We would play softball and basketball together and attended all the school activities together. At home we wrestled around; and once again, that perfect life.

His mother died and it had been a hard time the year before I turned 12 and I was in the 6th grade. His mother and I where really close and losing her caused me to slip into depression. It was severe and caused me to seclude my self from others. As well as giving me night mares so I was not resting well so in return I missed six weeks of school requiring me to have to attend summer school in order to be able to start 7th grade.

My mom’s job at that time required her to be gone on business trips on weekends and sometimes even whole weeks. That left me in the care of my step father and we were there alone. One day, he felt it was his job to help me clean my room. That was the first time he ever had sex with me. That alone scared me, but to top it all off, he threatened my life and everything and everyone I loved if I opened my mouth about it. That, of course, deepened the depression I was already in and I began to emotionally shut down. I believed that it was MY fault. I also began to blame everyone close around me, because I could not understand how they could NOT see what was going on. I did my best to go on like nothing had happened. We still wrestled around the house and he got bold enough to begin touching me inappropriately in public as well as home. So this is where the trust issues began. A man who is like my father takes advantage of me and thinks that it is ok, but life went on. I was finally brave enough to tell my mother, and she said she would talk to him. He told her that he had done no such thing. So with my approach to handling this problem “ out the window”, I was again left there to deal with this by myself.

It was then that I began to join every club and UIL event that I could. It kept me out of the house as much as possible. I was able to make myself look good by the things I did, not necessarily the person I WAS. After several instances of his molestation, I began to experience the effects of it all. Smells, Tastes and even other movements triggered flashbacks in my mind of all the past instances. I began to have nightmares of his violations of me. So I started looking around the house for any medication I could take. I just wanted to die and believed I would be better off. I took a whole bunch of pills, got really sick and had to go to the hospital. I was given the charcoal mess to drink and recovered from overdose.

After my suicide attempt had failed, I began cutting myself to see if that would help me. My mom soon caught on to my actions and took me and parked me in front of a graveyard. She told me that if I did not quit, she was going to put me there. I told her, “ START DIGGING.” By now, I did not care for life at all. I made it through the 7th grade with passing grades-- nothing more. I was then put in a Behavioral center for 6 weeks where I began to feel even more insane due to all the idle time I had. All I could do was sit and think about what had been happening to me. During that time, My mom told everyone that I was at my real father’s so that she could still maintain the image of being the perfect family with nothing wrong. After being released from the behavioral center, I was put into counseling. That did not help because I was still to scared to open my mouth. The incidents of molestation continued periodically, whenever my step dad felt like it or had the chance. By now, I was in high school and he would catch me wherever he could. I liked being in the woods because I felt like I could hide. That is until he started finding me and taking of advantage of me there.

Finally my freshman year, My real dad allowed me to come and live with him. I was overwhelmed the thought that life was going to get better. While staying at my father’s house my step mother began to teach me how to steal things and not get caught, so I did and I have to say I learned a little to well. During this time my mother found out that she had discoid lupus. She contacts me, tells me that she is dying and that me being away is causing her so much stress that it was going to kill her. At the news, I went running home to mommy. This is my first actual act of codependency that I can remember and the list just starts getting longer. I dropped my habits and it wasn’t long until everyone began to see the old me again. I put myself back in the same situations and found more things to blame myself for. At the same time I succeeded very well in school and In sports still trying to make myself someone I was not. I made Whose Who Among High school athletes; as well as honors in a math, science, English, History and Music. My sophomore year came and we moved to Palestine for business --- just mother and me. I started to find myself because once again, it was just mom and me. I had time in the morning to hang out in the courtyard at school. When one day I was talking to some of my friends and we began to talk about sex as it is common now and time in a teenagers list of things to talk about and they asked me if I had ever done IT. I found myself overwhelmed and could not answer them so I ran off crying. It triggered things not only in me but in the teachers that had over heard the conversation, so the principal as well as the counselors called me into the office and had to lie my way out of talking by saying nothing had ever happened hoping that would allow my life to return to normal and so that every body else would be happy.

My step dad came by ever now and then just to make sure that we were doing what he wanted. Within two weeks he moved in with us and back to Alto we went. By this time I resorted back to taking any pills I could find around the house, and also back into cutting myself. I thought one day I would do something just right and all this would be over, but it never went that way!!

We Moved to Louisiana on a business move the first half of my junior year in high school where the turmoil really began to get to me. I had missed my menstrual cycle and was kind of nervous. Well, My mom had to work so my step dad took me to the doctor and there I found out that I was pregnant. He was the only one who had ever touched me and he became nervous and threatened my life and forced me into having an abortion. I really began to hate myself for playing God and to this day. I have a hard time coping with the decision I was forced into.

About two weeks after the abortion, I went to a Bible study at lunch that ,my Spanish teacher had told me about that happened once a month. They talked on abstinence and I became very confused . I knew that I had never openly had sex with anyone so; did I fall into the classification of being abstinent? I went about three weeks thinking and pondering about this. Then one day my Spanish teacher invited me to go to church with them. I began to get brave enough so that I was able to tell her that I had a “friend” story. She caught on very quickly and being a teacher, went and reported it right away. She also reassured me that none of this was my fault, and that I did fit into this category of abstinence and that I was going to be alright. CPS came out and opened and investigation. By this time, I hated people. I had no trust; I was terrified of men and just wanted to die. I began to sleep with knives under my bed for protection. I also kept razor blades in my stuffed animals. During the initial setup with CPS, I could say nothing due to fear and them sending two men out to handle the case. SORRY WRONG THING TO DO!!!!! They talked to my counselor and decided to come back out. But before then, I shared just one layer of what had happened with my teacher and my counselor. She called an I went to a child advocacy center where I was able to open up to a lady there. They then picked my step father up and kept him in jail for 24 hours. We where given the order to return to Texas and as soon as we arrived a case worker was waiting for me there. I was then asked to go to a S.A.N.E. Nurse ( Sexual Abuse Nurse Examiner) where I was then examined and had scarring to prove the abuse. We were then sent to Missouri where my mother was told to lose all communication with him. She loaded me up and we packed what we could and off we went my mother cried all the way there because she did not see what was going on. Finally a glimpse of hope that I was not by myself any longer.

We finally arrive in Missouri and were told to start counseling. Three days later we got into counseling. By the end of the week, she began answering her phone and talking once again to my step dad. He began to fill her head with lies and of course she believed them. By the end of two weeks of communication she told me to drop the case or she would leave me there. There I was with no where to live, no where to go and all alone. Within 24 hours, he was there to get my mother and I and we where now back in his control.

The abuse started again and the threatening as well. I barely made it to my Senior year living back in the black hole except by know I felt abandoned and fearful. The depression had become so overwhelming that I began to gain weight. I had had a wreck on October 30 and my mom left her husband again. I had some gleam of hope that it was all over again but little did I know how wrong I was. By November he was back living with us. I had so many doctors appointments and was on so much medication, that I was unable to function and was unable to return to school for 6 weeks .

Two weeks before Christmas of 2004 the abuse stopped due to me going to my fathers in Houston for the holidays. By the time I returned home my mother had left him and served him with divorce papers. Finally my life could go on. The effects of the abuse where still evident the smells, tastes, food combinations and gestures, flashbacks and nightmares. All of this just made me want to escape. That is when I learned to cling to the verse 2 Corinthians 10:5 ….. Casting down arguments and everything that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, Bringing everything into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

Finally, May 27th My mom got her divorce from him, but he still stopped by, unexpectedly where I work or he will take special measures to be in the same store that I am in. I had a protection order issued against him, but this day in time, it is sad to say, that he still gets away with his intrusions on my life. Still living in this life of no self worth, I started Bible school straight out of high school. I wanted to do children’s ministry and mission work. I went for 2 years. In 2006 I found First Church on the Hill in Rusk Texas. I got locked in this body of hatred I had no feeling and did not care for anyone. I did not trust anyone or anything, I was very fearful and had hatred for my mother. I took these emotions out on myself. I would get so angry at myself when I thought about how I had let my mom and step father make me do things that I would regret later down the road. I began to realize just how severe the effect of this terrible experience was having in my life. It was ruining my life, my career, and any relationship I had with people and God. It got to the point I would not let God get to me. I had no feeling for anything. I couldn’t show emotion--- not even crying. It would have let the wall down in my life and people would have been able to see the real me.

I got plugged in at church with some very great people and I began to trust God, but only him. I still gave mean looks to everybody else. I could not talk to new people and in crowds I began to find myself unable to breathe. During the last year since I have been coming to CR I Have seen myself grow leaps and bounds. I am not where I want to be, but all I can keep doing is looking how far I have come and not how far I have to go. I was asked to do the bus ministry at my church and it is this connection that I met my best friend and side kick Katie. I also meet my Husband . It is amazing to me that I couldn’t go up to the door and talk to someone unless the anointing of the Lord was with me. In just a few months, the Lord allowed us to pick up about 30 new kids and adults through the bus ministry. It has been very successful whether it was me or Katie ministering or someone else who we may have picked up that joined the ministry.

When I heard about Cr, we were watching a video of testimonies during a church service. I had thought CR was just for people recovering from Drugs and alcohol. (Go! Me! wasn’t that bright just assuming something.) I continued thinking that until one Sunday , Ms. Pam Everett spoke about it. That afternoon she asked me to give a little of my testimony. It was then I became very interested in this thing called CR. Katie and I tracked her down, told her we wanted to come and we have been coming every since that time. Through my growing relationship with God I have been able to do things that I could have never done in my life. Through CR, I Have seen my life make tremendous strides in turning around. I have learned to share, I am beginning to trust and I don’t know if I would have been able to have come this far without God, CR and my Loving Church family. I have been able to open up with some of the things that have happened to me, and began to deal with them. Before, I was unable to deal with them, and would let them just build up in me until I would blow up. I have went from giving mean looks at everyone, to handshakes and some hugs in just matter of months. These step are just small ones and are only a beginning of what the Lord has in store for in growing and doing his work.

Ultimately, I don’t know if I’d have been able to let all this go without the support of the family that I have built over the last year of my life and working the steps. This is allowed me to let someone actually love me. My newest favorite verse is II Corinthians 5:17. “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old thing have passed away and behold all things have become new.” I have become a NEW CREATION God has changed my relationships with people for the better. I no longer have the feelings that all people are out to get me and hurt me. It has taken so many people to show me this and I thank the Lord for it. As far as areas of the past that have changed -- I no longer think and feel that all the stuff that happened to me was my fault. I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent any of this from happening. The changes that I have made have helped not only me, but my relationship towards people and the ministry that God has for me. My walk with God has only been intensified because of my letting go and allowing him to rain fully over my life and I am so thankful that the Lord is working and moving in my life.

I began to see how God really has his hand on me after my wreck and even more in October of 2007 where I was diagnosed with 2 blood clots in my brain. I was so scarred but for the first time I just made sure that I allowed God to touch me and heal me. Before, I would have never even let him in. Within 4 weeks with just taking oral medication, the clots were gone, nowhere to be found and so where the headaches. These instances just reassured the calling on my life.

I believe that is when I really wanted to change. CR has given me that chance by the steps and slow process of working them, and I am glad that through my working this program and allowing people to hear a little bit of my life, I am able to hear theirs. It was not easy for that first month I would say not a single word except for my name. I was getting really far (LOL)! But no matter what, the people in my group would share and it made me feel comfortable that no matter what I did they still accepted me and allowed me the opportunity to share every week. Since I have started sharing my life situations, I cannot wait until Monday and CR! If you are new to Cr let me tell you, it is worth your time and effort to be here rather than lying on the couch and suffering with your problems because I would not trade anything in this world for where I am now. And also I wouldn’t take anything in this world to go back to where I was, and am never going to. So you may be shy but trust me you can work through it and it will do you more good than you could ever imagine. So, come and join CR and commit yourself to Monday night group. You will not want to stop there. You may even wish there was a group every night of the week.

In closing I would like to thank the person who showed me CR, because if it was not for her, I would not be where I am now. This goes also for my CR family and my church family---- without them, I know I wouldn’t be as far on my road to complete recovery s I am today. Mostly I want to thank my husband for being the person that he is always making sure that he lets me know that he loves and he is there for me no matter what life may face. Thank You and God Bless