Apr 14 2007, 11:41 am - By anticonformity_kid

okay, so when I was little I was a goodish christian I prayed everynight, just because I thought that I was supposed to not just cuz I felt god or to talk to him.when I was little and I was driving to the golf course with my dad. I was sitting in the back seat and I looked up at the sky and I said a prayer. Then I remember myself asking myself: Does God really exist? is Jesus always there?that is when everything went down hill then when I got older I didnt pray at all, I didnt read my bible. Then one summer all my friends went to church camp and I really wanted to go but I didnt. Then the next year I went and I thought finally excepted Jesus into my heart. At the beginning of the year I was a strong christian but my friends who are christians but not that strong of christians started to drag me back. Near thanksgiving I found these books that were called Daughter of the Moon. It was about greek goddess and gods. Well in these books there were these ppl who worshipped a thing just like Satan. These guys were pure evil, not kidding they are pure evil. Well one of my friends got really into the books and thought that on of these guys was coming into her. Well, ther were just dreams but she thought that they were real! Then, my friend and me found these books about wicca. I got into wicca way more than I should have, I didnt try to cast spells or anything but I thought about it all the time. My prayers got shorter in fact at one point I gave up praying to god and prayed to the goddess and god, I didnt read my bible that much and in worship i felt god but then I went home and read my wicca books. Last year I went through confirmation and I'm really happy about that but I still would read my wicca books before I went. Wicca took over my life! I was just about ready to go and get a book about spells, I'd found one and read it so that didnt help but I didnt buy it so that is a plus. But Wicca started to run my life

My friends started to read the books and that is all they talked about. Well these next two ppl I'm gonna talk about are ppl that God spoke through to me. One of my friends b/f started to call us dark magic worshippers and wouldnt talk to us, I didnt like being called that cuz I wanted to be called a christian not dark magic worshipper, evne though i really wasnt even a christian. Then my newest friend moved to town, keri. she was a hardcore christian girl, she talked about god all the time. Well, she had Battle Cry for a generation. I thought it looked like a good book so I read it. That was when I realized that I needed to come closer to god and fight since my christian friends were so much like the world. My friends b/f started to talk to me again and keri and me are the two hardcore christian girls in our group but that is okay with me. These two ppl help put me back on my path with god and I'm very thankful that they God put them into my life cuz without them I'd be lost in this world.

Well, then we had youth sunday where the youth put on two services. The theme was God is calling...... Will you answer. And that made me think Matt, friends b/f, and Keri was god Talking to me.

Then I started to cut myself. so it brought me farther from god again. Then I thought wait Jesus is living in me and if I cut then I cut him. So that is how I started to fight cutting but then I cut again. But then I found out that if I jsut grab a pen and paper and blow off steam. So whenever I want to cut I just grab a pen and paper and I dont cut.

Then i went to church camp again, this time i really did execpt god into my heart, and found god once again. then i come home from church camp and not even a week later....i cut. then a week after that.....i cut again. then on the third night someone called just to talk and he saved me from cutting again. i never cut agian after that night. now that boy calls me every night and we're going out...i trust him with my heart...

well now we think i'm bipolar. yea so at one of my low points i said i was thinking about suicide my mom found out some how and she set me up an appointment with her counsler...my paretns dont trust me in a room by myself ne more...i understand y but seriously it's been 8 months since i cut and i never would kill myself...who doesnt think about it though? so yea my mom thinks everything is her fault and my dad thinks that i'm sad cuz my mom is telling me things! gawr i wanna sit them both down in the same room and make them talk about it...but they dont do that till we go to sleep...and my room is close the the hallway so i can hear them talk all the time...i come up in about everything convo =[

Nessa

Apr 14 2007, 5:33 pm - Replied by: Sword_Sheild

I think you should just walk right up to them. Mabye when they are about to go to bed. Explain it to them. Remember with god you can do anything.

Apr 16 2007, 12:11 am - Replied by: rose1229

Nessa,

I can feel your pain, sometimes life throughs you a blow when you least expect it. But there's a good side, you see if you trust in God. He will see you through. All through the Bible, when things got hard the first thing they did is decide if God wasn't going to rescue them from their suffering they would turn to pagan gods, but this just brought them deeper down. Read in your bible and you will find the Israelites traveled for 40 years trying to get through the desert . It was there lack in faith with God. AND YES we all go through our valleys but they totally decided they would trust in other worldly things, and they never made it out of the desert, in fact at one time they said they would rather turn back to Egypt the very place that they were in slavery. Don't we do this? When things get hard we blame it on God when in fact, it is all of satans doing. When Adam and Eve brought sin into the world, we have had battles constantly, but here's the good news trust in God, pray to Jesus. Yes at times you feel he's not there, but guess what he's always there. As for your family, I think it would do them good for all of you to see a counselor. And be tested for bipolar by a psycologist. Bipolar and have you to have extreme depression. Do things to the extreme. For me I couldn't even begin to tell you, but I am on medication. I use to be on antipressants but God helped me to come off of them. But God made doctors to help us. I know for myself I have extreme ups and downs. And days where I just feel very down. But medication has really helped me. I've realized I'm not alone. Through your experience God always has a purpose. You are a testimony for other people, maybe not now, but in time. It's good that you can talk about it. Take care and you are in my prayers. Remember to rebuke satan and let him know you belong to God.  Rose

Apr 16 2007, 9:46 am - Replied by: ds13099

 
Hi Nessa,
Thank you for sharing your story. It does show how you want do to be a good Christian. To follow Him. You are young and have so many roads to travle yet. TALK to your parents!!! I have 2 sons who grew up with my  "illness" I am now a recovering Alcoholic and recovered Cutter. So I can so indenify with where you are at. Thank God I did instill some values, but there are hard times. My oldest talks to me and my younger one you have to pull teeth LOL BUT I always told them to come to me or my husband. YOUR Parents do want to help you. See my younger one had alot troubles growing up, he is now 22. He has been in councling, and in trouble ith the law. My husband and I are alwasy there for him, no matter what. DO U understand what I am trying to say??
My life is awesome today. God is awesome. Once I gave my life over to Jesus everything changed. I started to change. I changed the people I hung with and I read the bible daily. I am now reading " Recovery Devotional Bible" why not read that. I Know it wil help you better understand , as it has helped me immensly!!!!!!
If you want to vent, ask questions or just talk I have aol & yahoo messanger.
you can add me if u have them on aol I am dsipos2you and yahoo I am ds_avalon_2000  . Dont give up on you, you are a beautiful person!!!!
Peace be with you
God Bless
Special Prayers
your Sis- In Christ
Donna

Apr 17 2007, 6:45 pm - Replied by: iluv2praisehim4ever

HI sweetie........I hope you had that talk with Mom and Dad.......there is so much help out there hun and nothing is wrong with going after it. God would want you to be happy and have joy again in your life. Praying for you HUGS, Lisa