Tonite I talked with a guy who wasn't afraid to open up and share some deep but insightful stuff. It was only a couple of weeks ago he became a Christian, and amazing how he says God has been working in his life. I feel he knows more about God and Christianity than I have ever known. Basically I grew up in a Christian home, knowing God. There are a lot of 'us' like that I believe. And I believe when we are asked questions and doubted, we can be challenged and can cause frustration because we may not be able to answer to the best of our ability/knowledge. I am terrible when someone tries to debate me on anything Christianity and God. I hate to seem like I am copping out and 'weak' to even discuss. I guess I just need to strengthen my own relationship with God first to try to have a better understanding from the other perspective. But, when talking to this friend, he has definitely come from a past of brokenness. Suffering makes me sad in any form of course. It's hurting to even know the pain that humans have to really endure. But I've been told God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. He also said some other things that seemed as if he knew what I have been going through lately. At the beginning of the summer, I broke off an engagement, and relationship of 2 years and 2 months. Sigh, it wasn't easy, and I am still going through much confusion and mixed feelings. Even though it was a fairly recent breakup, I look back on the relationship and how unhealthy we both were, which caused for many problems. The first thing, we were both incredibly insecure, and I think we used the relationship for security and comfort. In my own mind, I keep thinking that I am never going to meet the right guy, get married or settle down. So I think I settled. As the relationship progressed, it was actually tumbling down a cliff. I didn't exactly treat him the best, or with respect, and eventually we got to the point where we fought every single day. A good part of the relationship was long distance, and we both attended different colleges this past year. Not only with the distance being extremely hard, we did not have God at the center of our relationship. And I believe that was the root of all our problems. I believe I was too controlling, from the beginning of the relationship, and I had a hard time accepting him for what he was. Without telling him I wanted him to change, I think I made it pretty clear on more than one level. There were even many times I would say very hurtful things, which resulted him being hurt and even crying. I acted careless on many levels. I think it got to the point I pushed him to the edge, to where he actually didn't believe I cared or even loved him from the beginning. I know, I sound like a very demeaning and harsh person, but the truth is, I don't think I have ever accepted or loved the person God has created me to be. No, I didn't grow up in a rough home, unloved, without support, abused, and all the like you could try to imagine. It was nothing like that. I think it was years built up convincing myself of things that weren't true and relying on others opinion of me way too much. But those who don't really love the person God created them to be, can't or don't know how to love another person. It's hard for them to accept the fact they could be loved by another. But the breaking point, was when I found out (through a mutual acquaintance, well one of the guys who was attending the same school he wasw), my exfiance was someone I could not trust, and basically there was another girl in the picture. Now I could go on about how bitter I am, and how I am still upset, but I guess it doesn't do any good complaining. I am still praying to God for healing and the ability to forgive him and this girl. It's ironic because the guy I talked with tonite told me that when you're in a relationship with someone you love and they have really hurt you, that you should leave them so they can know what they did isn't acceptable. Eh. It was as if he knew about my situation. Even from the beginning, and through different times of the relationship, I was ignoring God because I got a feeling He didn't want me to be in this relationship. Now I understand why. But I was selfish and was settling for something convenient. I am scared to be alone, and I have strong desires in my heart to be with someone and have a family. But that is obviously up to God. I think everyone in their younger years have the same exact worry, and that if they are meant to be single, God wouldn't put desires in their heart in the first place. Trust and patience are so key, but extremely hard when it comes to this. Sorry for rambling on about this, for those that have actually read through this whole blog... didn't mean to make it all about myself..... just getting my thoughts and feelings out. This is usually the best way/place for me to. All I can say is that I keep looking up to God, even though I feel somewhat disconnected too, it makes me sad, but hopefully I can feel close to Him soon. All I need is God....

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