Well, I'm very glad for the two lil' encouraging comments on my last blog. I'm going to kinda spill once more here, because none of the people i know in real life read this... it's safe-ish. You know, yesterday morning I was thinking about some stuff, about things I'd done with guys that I regretted. It was like this peircing voice in my heart, saying, "Mary, if you dwell on these things, don't you know that what you think will eventually show itself in the way you live your life." Like, do I enjoy these things? You know? I loved the way it all made me "feel" at the moment, but the huge weight of guilt afterward is so obviously there- bondage that I just, HATE. This thought that came to my heart, that by thinking about what had happened I would allow it to happen again. You know? Well, I THOUGHT that i took the warning to heart. Maybe I didn't. Last night I was resting my pretty little head on the shoulder of a guy I still barely know. We'd spent ALL day together just hanging and having a blast. He's not handsome or cute or anything, but he isn't ugly. He's sweet and funny... also, he's saved himself for his future wife, more than i've saved myself for my future husband. What sucks is I could tell that by the way he was acting and stuff, that he probably hadn't ever let a girl lean on him like that. I know that I was leading him astray. I should've known better. This time I cannot deny it. He's only a year older, and he's only had two girlfriends and neither of them were his gf for longer than a week. He regretted telling the first one he loved her, even though he was only 12. I told Will I loved him when I was 15, more than once, on more than one occasion. You know? So... I feel like a creep. Also... he doesn't live in my home town, but he's going to be here until the 20th or something, and for some strange reason *groan* he wants to hang out again. I'm pretty sure that he likes me, and I think that I didn't leave any doubt in his mind that I like him, which I DON'T! Or not hardly as much as... *holds stupid tears back* as Adam. I could NOT stop thinking of him while I was nuzzling Raz gently with my pretty little head. This sick feeling in my stomach, like, what the hell am I doing? How are you going to fix this one Mary? Golly... I don't even know. Someone is going to end up getting hurt. Heh, someone already is... ME. Damn, selfish, foolish me. I was nearly sobbing last night while brushing my teeth. (It's hard to sob and brush your teeth at the same time, so I tried to not sob.) Like, both of the girls he was with broke up with him within a few days. Can you imagine? Ugh... what was I doing? Who was I to act like that? It's my fault. What am I going to do now? You know what's silly and sad? I can only run to Jesus. There's this huge sense of guilt that won't leave. Because I KNEW BETTER. I'd done that sort of thing before, with other guys. It felt, almost normal. The rush and comfort of the moment and the murdering pain in my heart afterward. I don't want to tell anyone. Only Sarah knows, 'cause she was sitting next to me. She's only 13, she's my little sister's friend, and her older siblings have all done worse sadly. Sooo... she said she wouldn't tell anyone, I didn't ask her to. I told her she can tell her mom... but yeah. Nobody else knows, 'cept Raz and whoever he told. We have to finish painting the room today, and move EVERYTHING back in. I have to leave for work at 2. Won't be back 'til 7-8pm, sometime like that. Then Daniel and I are leaving tomorrow to take Brittany back to Chehalis. I pray that I won't tell Daniel. He'll come down so hard on me. Everyone will... that's why I've kept my mouth shut. All week the girls have been teasing me about what flirt and abnoxious twit i am. They both think I'm soooo terrible. Ugh... there's so much going on in my mind right now. I want to do what's right, but I don't want to hurt anyone. Has the damage already been done Jesus? Is there any way to amend this without hurting other people? Oh Lord hear, O Lord hearken and forgive. Against You, and You alone I have sinned, and caused your son to wander astray. Have mercy upon me. I love You.

Bookmark: