Wow. Have you ever had this deep feeling in the the pit of your stomach, that tells you that you've gone wrong long before today? I was reading Rebecca St. James book, "Wait for Me." It was like a punch in the stomach. All of these things that I know in my head beginning to register in my heart. Sex outside of marriage isn't just wrong, it is destructive. Not only that... but... things like it. Lust. Allowing yourself to wallow in lust. I have allowed myself that, more times than I'd like to admit to. Not just with dreams or thoughts, but with guys. Going just far enough to not be doing anything "wrong". So why do I know that I, ME, MYSELF, I did something wrong. I went astray. I disobeyed God. That feeling of being alone after trying to be close... ugh. You know? What's strange, is all the guys that i've you know, pushed my line with, gone a little further... just little things... i can't explain it. I've never kissed a guy, but letting them just be really close to me, holding me to his side and you know. I don't think THAT matters, what matters is that I know that I disobeyed God and I blamed the guys for it. I'm the poor innocent victim, but in reality, I'm not. I had a choice in many situations. Just sitting next to certain guys is dumb, because it's like, doi, we like each other, let's sit next to each other in the very back row. Yeah, I couldn't have helped that at all. *rolls eyes* Okay, I think you all get what I'm trying to say. Now comes the second half. The part where Jesus says, "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you." Jesus isn't going to send someone to comfort me, HE HIMSELF will come and comfort me. I've been trying to hide, to isolate myself in my lonely "pride hole". Of course, that's not very smart. I saw the Jedi yesterday... he's the only guy I've ever asked out... and it wasn't even really a date. STILL! Ugh... I know that I need to make the right decision now, God has given me the grace to do what is right, I just have to walk in HIS Spirit and abide in HIS love. Nothing is too hard for Him. I'm going to just keep looking towards Him. I'll bid this world goodbye and look to Jesus, and let this world fade away.

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